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[story] aya (working title) #1

 
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emmel

External


Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 1) Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:12 am
Post subject: [story] aya (working title) #1
Archived from groups: alt>games>creatures (more info?)

OK, Just got that ready. Commenting strongly encouraged, I need opinions
on this. Hopefully not to many mistakes in it, I didn't really do any
proof reading. Enjoy.

*****

With an almost inaudible hiss part of the ceiling raised and then slid
away to the side, giving way to a patch of darkness above. A few
seconds later a head appeared, a long plait extending from its back
like a scorpion's tail. Aya grabbed the edge of the access hatch and
pushed her body free of it, head first, doing a half turn once her
feet were clean, and only then let go. She dropped into the corridor,
gently landing on both feet at once, the soles of her boots muting any
sound.
She smirked. Flawless performance, ten out of ten points. When
she had nothing better to do and was in the mood she sometimes watched
gymnastics tournaments, but competing herself had never crossed Aya's
mind; far too boring it was. It did give her ideas, though - for
example how to get out of access shafts too narrow to turn around
without falling on her head. And a bit of style didn't hurt either, of
course.
Without haste she headed down the corridor, employing a gait
that was reminiscent of idle strolling and a cat's graceful sneaking
at the same time. She turned a corner and started counting the doors,
finally stopping before the fifth one to the left. For a moment she
glanced at the sign next to it, then gently pushed it. The door swung
open.
Tempering with the building's alarm system had easier than it
should have been, almost criminally easy. A couple of minutes physical
access and had been nothing the systems wasn't ready to do for her,
which in her case was disabling certain parts of the sensor grid,
shutting down a number of cameras and forgetting about it. She'd also
unlocked a number of doors for her convenience.
To be fair, security was enough to stop any dilettantes trying
to break in, and only dilettantes would try to break into an office
building in the first place. Besides the furniture and odd bits of
decorative art, there was nothing of value to be had and even those
didn't sell for much. It simply didn't pay for the pros. Normally.
Aya pulled the door shut behind her. The office positively
reeked of money, or, to be more precise, of real leather and wood.
Very likely air deodorant, but someone had definitely made an effort
here. Polished marble lookalike covered walls and floor, with a huge
company logo inlaid in the latter, and an enormous reception counter
extended over almost the whole width of the room, shielding a good
deal of the window front from the view - obviously someone had deemed
the counter more impressive. Maybe it even was on some level, but Aya
couldn't stand faux wood. Sure, it was very high quality and to the
bare eye probably indistinguishable from the real thing, but Aya's
night vision goggles showed it clearly for what it was.
The faux leather armchairs lining the walls weren't any
better, but at least there was the chance that they were at least
comfortable. Aya prodded one experimentally, but even allowing for the
fact that nobody ever sat on it in an office like this, the seat was
astonishingly hard. At what these things had to have cost you'd really
expect better. Oh well, she wasn't here for the furniture anyway.
Three doors connected the reception area with the adjacent
rooms. According to the building plans the two to the right of the
counter led to the toilet and a small kitchen area; the one she wanted
was on the left. It opened into a room almost twice as big than the
reception area, with carpet covered floor and wood panelled walls.
Faux wood. The same applied to the large desk, that was only sightly
smaller than the reception counter. At least they had gone for
different chairs, albeit in the same faux leather. Aya slumped herself
into the one behind the desk; it hugged her body comfortably. Now that
was a chair.
For a few moments she stared into the empty office, then
swivelled around. Aya shook her head. If she had a view like this, she
wouldn't sit with the back to it. She pulled the goggles off and the
world faded into an uniform blackness, that only gradually turned into
separated into different shades of black.
A sea of lights unfolded before her, like reflections on still
water. Here and there dark looming spires stood in the sea, only the
orange lights gleaming on their surface visible, like reflections of a
setting sun. Aya sighed. From up here even the position lights of the
skyscrapers had something poetic. From up here, you could almost like
the city. Almost.
Aya looked at the time piece on her arm and pushed herself out
of the chair. Time to get back to work. She donned her goggles and the
shades of black ebbed away, to replaced by colours, and every detail
of the room surfaced from the darkness.
A couple of man high display cases covered the wall opposite
the window front, filled with all kinds of tasteless junk that someone
somewhere probably called art, and a number of awards and trophies
just as tasteless. Not a single piece was worth more than the material
it was made from and if she wasn't completely mistaken even that was
hardly worth anything at all.
For some inexplicable reason the manufacturer had made the
locks much tougher than the actual cases, so Aya didn't bother with
those. She pulled a multitool the from the holster at her hip and set
it to cutter. The grey mass at the business end of the pencil like
grip wobbled a bit and then a knife blade formed on it. Nanotechnology
at its best - expensive, but still a lot cheaper than a complete tool
chest. Slightly more portable as well.
The blade cut through the case material as if it was made of
paper and in a couple of seconds Aya had cut out a complete circle,
still sitting at its place. She made another small cut beside it and
then used the blunt side of the small blade to lever it outside. She
slipped her hand into the hole and grabbed a transparent something. It
was a trophy for some obscure game she'd never heard before and it
looked even uglier in real life than it had on the picture.
Aya took down her backpack and produced a small cylinder from
it, some forty centimetres in length and fifteen in diameter. It was
mostly transparent, only the caps at the ends were opaque and grey.
She unscrewed the top and placed the trophy inside, then screwed it
back on and pushed a large button on the bottom portion. A lamp next
to it came to life, blinking furiously and the whole of the tube
filled with a kind of fog. In a matter of seconds the fog solidified
into white filaments, filling the complete tube and catching the
trophy within like a spider's net. The lamp switched from blinking to
continuous mode; object secured and ready to go.
Aya stuffed the tube back into her backpack and slung it over
her shoulders. Now that she had what she'd come for, the only thing
left to do was getting out unseen. She quickly crossed the office,
carefully opened the corridor door the tiniest of slits and listened.
Others wouldn't have bothered. With that many floors, the handful of
security personal in the building kept to the ground floors, but as
far as she was concerned there was no such thing as too much caution.
And double checking had saved her once already.
No sounds were coming from outside, however, and the only
things she heard were her own breath and heart beat. She slipped out
of the door and pulled it shut behind her once again. Aya tried the
handle; locked. That meant the security system was working her little
extra routines now. By the time she was out of the building only the
broken display case would prove anything had happened.
Navigating the corridors turned out even more difficult than
the floor plan had suggested. The original layout of the building had
been three rings of offices, separated from each other and the
building core by three rings of corridors and an additional sixteen
corridors perpendicular ones connecting them like the spokes of a
wheel. It was a nice, effective layout, but after trying desperately
to meet the clients expectations, it was a genuine maze. In which way
that was an improvement for the clients was beyond her. Maybe they
didn't want to be found, or maybe there were weekly floor competitions
who could get navigate it fastest or something. In any case studying
the floor plan in detail really paid off. Just one more turn and she
should be... Damn. Where did that wall come from? Aya closed her eyes
and tried to recall the plan. If her memory didn't betray her, that
particular wall had not been in there, but that didn't matter now.
Left, right, right? Unless there were more wall that weren't in the
plan, of course.
Fortunately there weren't. She didn't really mind stumbling
around in mazes that much, but she was on a schedule. Not a terribly
tight one, that would have been asking for trouble, but she preferred
not to waste what extra time she had on office layouts. You never knew
what you might need it for later on.
In the office the circular layout of the building had been
hardly visible, with only the slightest bend hinting at it, but that
close to the centre it was impossible to miss. The whole of the
corridor was only a little more than twenty five metres in length and
she could overlook almost half of it. Half a circle crammed with a
multitude of doors. Most of them provided access to the ducting and
cabling for the floor, and there were a couple of storage rooms as
well, but Aya wasn't interested in any of these.
She walked up to the door labelled 'Core Access' and pulled.
Even though it wasn't locked due to her tinkering with the security
system, it opened only reluctantly. From the outside it looked just
like any other door on the floor, but it was a lot heavier - solid
metal, blast proof. Aya didn't open it all the way up; she slipped
through as soon as the opening was wide enough to slip through and
then stared pulling it shut behind her. As soon as the door had
reached it's resting position the lock mechanism activated, the heavy
bolts sliding audibly into position.
To anyone with claustrophobia this place would have been hell,
to anyone with acrophobia more so. The width and height of the passage
way, if you could be call it that, matched those of the door, making
it about a half metre in width and two in height. Unlike a normal
passage way, however, it abruptly ended after a couple of steps. Not
in a wall, though - it opened into the core shaft itself. One hundred
and twenty floors of free fall, sublevels not included, and she wasn't
even that close to the top.
Free fall wasn't what she had planned, though. The height
wasn't a problem, at least none that a good rope couldn't deal with,
but at five metres in diameter the shaft didn't forgive any wrong move
and ending as a smear on the wall wasn't that enticing a prospect.
Where was that stupid service platform anyway? It should have
been waiting for her when he came in. Aya edged closer to the shaft,
to have a look around, carefully avoiding to get too close, however.
The elevator had enough power to rip her head clear off and no safe
guards to stop it from doing that.
It had no intentions of doing that, however. She could see the
metal grate hanging right above the current floor, exactly where she
had left it on her way up, and it was doing nothing. Great, and she
had though the job was too easy to be true. Served her right.
The walls of the shaft were too smooth to get any reliable
hold and none of the tubes lining them were close enough to reach from
her position. Besides, she didn't trust them to hold her weight. The
framework beneath the service platform, on the other hand, should do
just fine.
Aya took off her backpack and produced a grappling hook and a
belt from one of its side compartments. If this didn't work out, she
was in real trouble. It could take weeks for anyone to notice that the
platform wasn't where it ought to be and come investigating. If she
got really lucky, whoever was responsible to investigate the break in
would check on the shaft, but chances where she's either have to cause
some kind of damage in the shaft, so people came looking for the
problem, or disassemble the door from the inside, and it was unlikely
she managed either of these before it was too late. She should really
have checked on the damn elevator before closing the door.
Aya pulled a length of cable from the belt and attached it to
the hook. The hook was light weight, but if she missed... There was
nothing she could hold onto. If, on the other hand, the cable slipped
out from under her fingers... Absolutely magnificent options.
She fastened the belt around her waist and sat down directly
at the edge, pressing her back against one wall and her feet against
the other. Aya took a deep breath, and threw the hook.
It missed its target by a couple of centimetres. The hook
rebounded off the wall of the shaft and then dropped like a stone. Aya
braced herself. With an uncomfortably strong jerk the hook ended it's
fall, but didn't manage to pull her off balance. Aya exhaled audibly.
She had more luck with the second try, the hook caught on one
of the struts and stuck. Aya tucked at the cable, but it held. She
stood up and positioned herself at the edge of the shaft, then
shortened the cable until and grabbed it with both hands. Well, there
went nothing.
She drew up her legs. The moment the weight was off her feet,
the ground slipped away under her. Skidding over the edge like that
still wasn't one of her favourite sensations, but she wasn't going to
get a fit over it. After all this wasn't any different than the rope
swings she'd loved when she was little. Except for the distance to the
ground. And the far less solid fastening. There was absolutely no
reason to enjoy it. And she so wasn't trying to kid herself.
Swinging her body contrary to the cable, Aya quickly reduced
its momentum to the point where it was near still, then pushed a small
button on the belt. Slowly, painstakingly slowly, the micro winch
inside started to pull the cable in. There was nothing she could do
about that; the winch was meant for the cable only. Being able to lift
her was only an emergency feature, and quite an astonishing
considering its size.
If she could have climbed the cable, she'd already been up,
but unfortunately it was too thin for that; nowhere to get a grip on
it, even with the gloves. Instead this was turning out to become a
trial of patience. Not the 'overcome and get stronger' kind, the other
one - the 'suffer to until death' kind. Patience just wasn't her;
reputedly that ran in the family. Not that she couldn't spend hours
on, say, a jigsaw, she was fine with that, but waiting, especially
when she didn't know how long, was like playing harpsichord on her
nerves.
In the end it took a whole seven minutes for her to get into
range of the elevator's framework. Aya set the winch to stop and
grabbed the strut closest to her, then started to work her way towards
the centre of the grate, where a hatch was. Swinging forward and
backwards a couple of times she gained momentum, then folded her body
up and pushed though the hatch, which gave way without even bothering
to put up any resistance.
With the push of yet another button on her belt the cable
detached from the hook and, without having her weight to bear, quickly
retracted. She could have recovered the hook right away, but it was
far easier when the platform was in ground position, and as far as she
was concerned, she'd done enough acrobatics for that day.
She sat down cross legged in the middle of the platform and
flipped the control panel next to her open. She pushed a couple of
button, but the lift didn't budge. Instead the diagnostic display
sprung to live, greeting her with a jumble of status messages.
Terrific. She'd always wanted to debug a lift.
Well, things could be worse. Even if she couldn't get the
thing to move, she was in a much better position here, than she had
been before climbing up. From here, she could always get out of the
core shaft, and back onto the floor she had come from. She'd have to
break a couple of locks this time, and crawling through the cabling
floor twice a night wasn't exactly her idea of fun, but it sure beat
starving to death. Oh, wait, she'd actually die of thirst first.
Aya brought her train of thought to a halt and forced herself
to concentrate on the lift control. Most of the messages were
meaningless garbage, at least as far as she was concerned, but a few
words caught her attention. It claimed to have suffered a protocol
mismatch - probably when the building computer had tried to pass along
her orders - and now the stupid thing had gone into diagnostic mode.
There probably where ways to deal with that kind of thing amicably,
but she wasn't in the habit of carrying the lift maintainers manual
around with her. Besides she didn't feel very friendly about that
piece of junk anyway.
She produced one of her multitools from their holster and set
it to screwdriver, then placed the tip on the first screw. It
instantly hardened into the desired form. Reputedly there were still
people using interchangeable heads. She'd never get anything done if
she had to lug that kind of weight around with her. There, that was
the last one. Aya put it into her pocket to the others and removed the
panel. Yikes.
Whoever was responsible for that deserved to die - a slow,
painful death. She had seen hastily thrown together jury rigs better
than this... can of worms on a paint diet? Some were still dangling
from the panel she had lifted off, but most of them were sitting in a
despicable rubbery goo. Glue. Whatever. It was a wonder the elevator
had ever moved at all. Too bad she couldn't really file a complaint,
but what should she put in the form? Issuer: A thief? Might even be
fun.
Aya selected a pair a of wires that seemed marginally thicker
than the rest and searched for the place where they connected to the
circuit board. It turned out to be a small plug. Well, that looked
promising; she pulled it off. The display turned dark; so either she
had just cut the power, as intended, or fried the board. She plugged
it back in.
For a moment nothing happened, but then the display came to
life again, telling her to wait for self diagnostics to finish.
Instead she screwed the panel back on. She was almost done when the
test were finished and a reassuring 'Ready.' appeared. A few button
presses and the platform set obediently in motion, as if nothing had
ever happened, and of course nothing had happened as far as it was
concerned.
The air stream from below made Aya's eyes water as the
elevator picked up speed and she had to take off her goggles.
Instantly darkness enveloped her, but she didn't mind, simply closed
her eyes and imagined being outside, brilliant sunshine warming her
skin and a light breeze blowing. By the time the elevator had reached
the bottom of the shaft she had almost managed to trick herself in
believing it.
The platform came to halt with a jerk. Aya donned her goggles
and raised to her feet; time to get out of this place. She pulled the
hatch open and let herself drop into the space beneath the platform.
It was rather low, and Aya had to actually get on her knees, to avoid
hitting her head on the elevator's framework, as she retrieved her
hook.
A handful of steps led from the bottom of the shaft down into
a small tunnel, tubes and cables lining one side. Above she could hear
the gently hum of the transformers, supplying the whole of the
building with power.
After several meters the tunnel ended in a heavy door. Aya
pushed it open and stepped out of the building, though you would not
have been able to tell by the looks, but the staircase she was no in
belonged to the public infrastructure. With some afford she pushed the
door shut, then tapped something into keypad next to it. Creaking, the
heavy bars slid into locking position, and not for the first time Aya
wondered why they did that. No other doors she had come across did
creak, at least not like that, and she had come across a few really
heavy ones.
Anyway, from here it was a piece of cake. Just an unreasonably
large amount of stairs from the depths of the building's foundations
to the infrastructure tunnels near the surface and a little stroll
through said tunnels. Most people would probably have collapsed
halfway up the stairs, no matter what kind of 'improvements' they had
applied to their bodies; with all the lifts around, few ever felt the
need to walk more than a handful of stairs at a time. Aya, however,
was used to rely on her feet for moving around - and sometimes knees,
arms and hands. Even hurrying to make up for the time she had lost to
the elevator, she reached the top only somewhat out of breath.
She passed another door and then made her way into maze of
tunnels beyond. Their network spread under the whole of the city,
making it at least in theory possible to get anywhere within, without
being noticed by the surface world. Theory failed rather quickly when
you actually tried to do it. For one thing, all doors in and out of
the tunnels were secured by locks, that were not really hard to
bypass, but extremely hard to bypass without tripping the alarm. Then,
of course, there was the law enforcement. It was impossible, and
impractical, to control all the tunnels, but they did secure all the
major hubs of the system - with cameras, sensors, you name it.
Of course it did help, that through some strange quirk she had
ended up on the mailing list for the security digest. Getting all the
new codes directly from the source was definitely worth the afford she
had put into making exactly this quirk happen.
By now Aya had reached a door let into the side of the tunnel.
It looked a bit as if belonged into a ship rather than here, with its
rounded edges and the lower border that ended several centimetres
above the floor. That resemblance wasn't exactly coincidental, the
door did lead the storm sewer.
Before she tapped the code into the panel next to it, however,
she needed a change of clothes. She put down her backpack and produced
a pair of baggy pants and a sweater from it, pulling them over what
she liked to refer to as her 'business outfit'.
For one thing, someone might make the connection between a
woman in skin tight black apparel and a break-in in the neighbourhood,
but mostly because she'd die of embarrassment. The skin tight quality
was very literal, and while it allowed an unprecedented freedom of
movement, it also showed a great deal more than it concealed.
Some girls wore that kind of thing to the clubs for exactly
that reason, but there were usually of the kind whose reputation
couldn't suffer for that kind of thing anymore, to formulate it
diplomatically. Or how her father would put it: Slags. If her ever
found out she even possessed something like that... He didn't approve.
And neither did she.
Aya tapped the code into the panel, then stepped through the
door and into a different world. Where the tunnels had been dry and
clean, the air smelling of dust, the sewer was wet and thick with
dirt. Water was everywhere: Flowing down the canal in the middle as a
muddy stream, oozing from the walls, in the air. Algae grew
everywhere, covering the ground with slippery mucus, forcing her to
watch her step. Nevertheless Aya welcomed the change. At least the
place was alive, unlike the rest of the city; there was nothing
artificial about it. And since it only collected rain water it didn't
smell bad, not even of rats. And there were plenty.
Rats, the universal constant of life. They were anywhere. On
every planet, every station, every ship, adapting to the most adverse
environments and thriving in places that otherwise incapable of
supporting higher life. Not before the advent of genetical analysis
anyone had noticed that they weren't even native organisms, that good
they blended it. Even today, nobody knew where they came from
originally, only a few rumours that they originated from some
backwater planet, not even capable of space flight. Even mentioning
them could sent scientists over the edge. Aya didn't really mind, as
long as they didn't start crawling around on her. Actually, they
looked kinda cute.
Finally she reached a ladder. She pulled the hood of her
sweater deep into her face, but kept her goggles on. They looked
perfectly like sunglasses, so nobody would give them a second though.
She didn't get why anyone would want to wear sunglasses at night in
the first place, but if fashion allowed her to use night vision in
public, who was she to complain.
The manhole led into a back alley. In the actual streets there
were only drainage grates in the curbs, all the actual manholes had
been placed out of the way for practical and security reasons, which
served Aya well. After all climbing out of the sewer in the middle of
the road might have been just a tad suspicious.
She nonchalantly pushed the cover back onto the hole with her
foot and then walked off, as if climbing out of sewers was the most
natural thing in the world. There wasn't even much acting involved,
after all she did this all the time.
A couple of minutes later she was in the open road, diving
into the streams of people that even at this time ran through the
city. On of many, impossible to point out.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

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Red Dragon

External


Since: Jul 31, 2006
Posts: 107



(Msg. 2) Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:30 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

emmel wrote:
> OK, Just got that ready. Commenting strongly encouraged, I need
> opinions on this. Hopefully not to many mistakes in it, I didn't
> really do any proof reading. Enjoy.

I'm afraid opinions are hard for me to share, but I can do some
proofreading. On a preliminary read through, it looks pretty good, save
for a few small things.

A disclaimer: Punctuation suggestions are purely that. Suggestions.

>
> *****
>
> With an almost inaudible hiss part of the ceiling raised and then
> slid

'inaudible hiss, part of the ceiling'

> away to the side, giving way to a patch of darkness above. A few
> seconds later a head appeared, a long plait extending from its back
> like a scorpion's tail. Aya grabbed the edge of the access hatch and
> pushed her body free of it, head first, doing a half turn once her
> feet were clean, and only then let go. She dropped into the corridor,
>
I assume you mean 'her feet were clear'

> gently landing on both feet at once, the soles of her boots muting
> any sound. She smirked. Flawless performance, ten out of ten points.
> When she had nothing better to do and was in the mood she sometimes
> watched gymnastics tournaments, but competing herself had never
> crossed Aya's mind; far too boring it was. It did give her ideas,
> though - for example how to get out of access shafts too narrow to
> turn around without falling on her head. And a bit of style didn't
> hurt either, of course. Without haste she headed down the corridor,
> employing a gait that was reminiscent of idle strolling and a cat's
> graceful sneaking at the same time. She turned a corner and started
> counting the doors, finally stopping before the fifth one to the
> left. For a moment she glanced at the sign next to it, then gently
> pushed it. The door swung open. Tempering with the building's alarm
> system had easier than it should have been, almost criminally easy. A
> couple of minutes physical access and had been nothing the systems
> wasn't ready to do for her,

'Tampering' would probably be a better word.
'alarm system had been easier' or similar word addition

'had been nothing the systems wasn't ready to do for her' is a little
hard to follow. I believe 'A couple minutes of physical access and there
was nothing the system wasn't ready to do for her' might be better.
The 'systems wasn't' either needs to be 'system wasn't' or 'systems weren't'

I'm sorry I can't be a bit more elegant with my reworking suggestions.

> which in her case was disabling certain parts of the sensor grid,
> shutting down a number of cameras and forgetting about it. She'd also
> unlocked a number of doors for her convenience. To be fair, security
> was enough to stop any dilettantes trying to break in, and only
> dilettantes would try to break into an office building in the first
> place. Besides the furniture and odd bits of decorative art, there
> was nothing of value to be had and even those didn't sell for much.
> It simply didn't pay for the pros. Normally. Aya pulled the door shut
> behind her. The office positively reeked of money, or, to be more
> precise, of real leather and wood. Very likely air deodorant, but
> someone had definitely made an effort here. Polished marble lookalike
> covered walls and floor, with a huge company logo inlaid in the
> latter, and an enormous reception counter extended over almost the
> whole width of the room, shielding a good deal of the window front
> from the view - obviously someone had deemed the counter more
> impressive. Maybe it even was on some level, but Aya couldn't stand
> faux wood. Sure, it was very high quality and to the bare eye
> probably indistinguishable from the real thing, but Aya's night
> vision goggles showed it clearly for what it was. The faux leather
> armchairs lining the walls weren't any better, but at least there was
> the chance that they were at least comfortable. Aya prodded one
> experimentally, but even allowing for the fact that nobody ever sat
> on it in an office like this, the seat was astonishingly hard. At
> what these things had to have cost you'd really expect better. Oh
> well, she wasn't here for the furniture anyway. Three doors connected
> the reception area with the adjacent rooms. According to the building
> plans the two to the right of the counter led to the toilet and a
> small kitchen area; the one she wanted was on the left. It opened
> into a room almost twice as big than the

'twice as big as the reception area'

> reception area, with carpet covered floor and wood panelled walls.
> Faux wood. The same applied to the large desk, that was only sightly
> smaller than the reception counter. At least they had gone for
> different chairs, albeit in the same faux leather. Aya slumped
> herself into the one behind the desk; it hugged her body comfortably.
> Now that was a chair. For a few moments she stared into the empty
> office, then swivelled around. Aya shook her head. If she had a view
> like this, she wouldn't sit with the back to it. She pulled the
> goggles off and the world faded into an uniform blackness, that only
> gradually turned into separated into different shades of black. A sea
> of lights unfolded before her, like reflections on still water. Here
> and there dark looming spires stood in the sea, only the orange
> lights gleaming on their surface visible, like reflections of a
> setting sun. Aya sighed. From up here even the position lights of the
> skyscrapers had something poetic. From up here, you could almost
> like the city. Almost. Aya looked at the time piece on her arm and
> pushed herself out of the chair. Time to get back to work. She donned
> her goggles and the shades of black ebbed away, to replaced by
> colours, and every detail

'to be replaced'

> of the room surfaced from the darkness. A couple of man high display
> cases covered the wall opposite

I'm not 100% positive, but you might want to hyphenate 'man high'

> the window front, filled with all kinds of tasteless junk that
> someone somewhere probably called art, and a number of awards and
> trophies just as tasteless. Not a single piece was worth more than
> the material it was made from and if she wasn't completely mistaken
> even that was hardly worth anything at all.

'and, if she wasn't completely mistaken, even'

> For some inexplicable reason the manufacturer had made the locks much
> tougher than the actual cases, so Aya didn't bother with those. She
> pulled a multitool the from the holster at her hip and set

'multitool from'

> it to cutter. The grey mass at the business end of the pencil like
> grip wobbled a bit and then a knife blade formed on it.
> Nanotechnology at its best - expensive, but still a lot cheaper than
> a complete tool chest. Slightly more portable as well. The blade cut
> through the case material as if it was made of paper and in a couple
> of seconds Aya had cut out a complete circle, still sitting at its
> place. She made another small cut beside it and then used the blunt
> side of the small blade to lever it outside. She slipped her hand
> into the hole and grabbed a transparent something. It was a trophy
> for some obscure game she'd never heard before and it looked even
> uglier in real life than it had on the picture. Aya took down her
> backpack and produced a small cylinder from it, some forty
> centimetres in length and fifteen in diameter. It was mostly
> transparent, only the caps at the ends were opaque and grey. She
> unscrewed the top and placed the trophy inside, then screwed it back
> on and pushed a large button on the bottom portion. A lamp next

This is a light on the cylinder next to the button Aya pressed, correct?
Unless that's a common British usage of lamp I'm unfamiliar with, you
might want to just use 'light.' My American brain immediately jumped to
the lamp-with-a-shade-and-on-a-table interpretation. Which was briefly
amusing.

> to it came to life, blinking furiously and the whole of the tube
> filled with a kind of fog. In a matter of seconds the fog solidified
> into white filaments, filling the complete tube and catching the
> trophy within like a spider's net. The lamp switched from blinking to
> continuous mode; object secured and ready to go. Aya stuffed the
> tube back into her backpack and slung it over her shoulders. Now that
> she had what she'd come for, the only thing left to do was getting
> out unseen. She quickly crossed the office, carefully opened the
> corridor door the tiniest of slits and listened. Others wouldn't have
> bothered. With that many floors, the handful of security personal in
> the building kept to the ground floors, but as far as she was
> concerned there was no such thing as too much caution. And double
> checking had saved her once already. No sounds were coming from
> outside, however, and the only things she heard were her own breath
> and heart beat. She slipped out of the door and pulled it shut behind
> her once again. Aya tried the handle; locked. That meant the security
> system was working her little extra routines now. By the time she was
> out of the building only the broken display case would prove anything
> had happened. Navigating the corridors turned out even more difficult
> than the floor plan had suggested. The original layout of the
> building had been three rings of offices, separated from each other
> and the building core by three rings of corridors and an additional
> sixteen corridors perpendicular ones connecting them like the spokes
> of a wheel. It was a nice, effective layout, but after trying
> desperately to meet the clients expectations, it was a genuine maze.
> In which way that was an improvement for the clients was beyond her.
> Maybe they didn't want to be found, or maybe there were weekly floor
> competitions who could get navigate it fastest or something. In any
> case studying the floor plan in detail really paid off. Just one more
> turn and she should be... Damn. Where did that wall come from? Aya
> closed her eyes and tried to recall the plan. If her memory didn't
> betray her, that particular wall had not been in there, but that
> didn't matter now. Left, right, right? Unless there were more wall
> that weren't in the plan, of course.

'more walls that weren't in the plan'

> Fortunately there weren't. She didn't really mind stumbling around in
> mazes that much, but she was on a schedule. Not a terribly tight one,
> that would have been asking for trouble, but she preferred not to
> waste what extra time she had on office layouts. You never knew what
> you might need it for later on. In the office the circular layout of
> the building had been hardly visible, with only the slightest bend
> hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was impossible to
> miss. The whole of the

I'm trying very hard to understand exactly what this first sentence is
telling me. And it's a little cumbersome with all these commas. You
might want to split it up somehow. Watch as I don't help with that. Smile

> corridor was only a little more than twenty five metres in length and
> she could overlook almost half of it. Half a circle crammed with a
> multitude of doors. Most of them provided access to the ducting and
> cabling for the floor, and there were a couple of storage rooms as
> well, but Aya wasn't interested in any of these. She walked up to the
> door labelled 'Core Access' and pulled. Even though it wasn't locked
> due to her tinkering with the security system, it opened only
> reluctantly. From the outside it looked just like any other door on
> the floor, but it was a lot heavier - solid metal, blast proof. Aya
> didn't open it all the way up; she slipped through as soon as the
> opening was wide enough to slip through and then stared pulling it
> shut behind her. As soon as the door had

I don't think you need 'to slip through' after saying 'she slipped
through.' In other words: 'she slipped through as soon as the opening
was wide enough and then started' Note 'started' as well.

> reached it's resting position the lock mechanism activated, the heavy
> bolts sliding audibly into position.

Helpful(not) suggestion time!
'resting position, the lock mechanism activated, sliding the heavy bolts
audibly into position.'

These sorts of things are purely what sounds natural to me. We've
already been over how there's a difference between what sounds good to
me and what sounds good to you. And you're the author.

> To anyone with claustrophobia this place would have been hell, to
> anyone with acrophobia more so. The width and height of the passage

I feel like that annoying paperclip in MS Word.

'To anyone with claustrophobia, this place would have been hell. To
anyone with acrophobia, even more so.'

> way, if you could be call it that, matched those of the door, making
> it about a half metre in width and two in height. Unlike a normal
> passage way, however, it abruptly ended after a couple of steps. Not
> in a wall, though - it opened into the core shaft itself. One hundred
> and twenty floors of free fall, sublevels not included, and she
> wasn't even that close to the top. Free fall wasn't what she had
> planned, though. The height wasn't a problem, at least none that a
> good rope couldn't deal with, but at five metres in diameter the
> shaft didn't forgive any wrong move and ending as a smear on the wall
> wasn't that enticing a prospect. Where was that stupid service
> platform anyway? It should have been waiting for her when he came in.
> Aya edged closer to the shaft,

'when she came in' I assume

> to have a look around, carefully avoiding to get too close, however.
> The elevator had enough power to rip her head clear off and no safe
> guards to stop it from doing that. It had no intentions of doing
> that, however. She could see the metal grate hanging right above the
> current floor, exactly where she had left it on her way up, and it
> was doing nothing. Great, and she had though the job was too easy to
> be true. Served her right. The walls of the shaft were too smooth to
> get any reliable hold and none of the tubes lining them were close
> enough to reach from her position. Besides, she didn't trust them to
> hold her weight. The framework beneath the service platform, on the
> other hand, should do just fine. Aya took off her backpack and
> produced a grappling hook and a belt from one of its side
> compartments. If this didn't work out, she was in real trouble. It
> could take weeks for anyone to notice that the platform wasn't where
> it ought to be and come investigating. If she got really lucky,
> whoever was responsible to investigate the break in would check on
> the shaft, but chances where she's either have to cause some kind of
> damage in the shaft, so people came looking for the problem, or
> disassemble the door from the inside, and it was unlikely she managed
> either of these before it was too late. She should really have
> checked on the damn elevator before closing the door. Aya pulled a
> length of cable from the belt and attached it to the hook. The hook
> was light weight, but if she missed... There was nothing she could
> hold onto. If, on the other hand, the cable slipped out from under
> her fingers... Absolutely magnificent options. She fastened the belt
> around her waist and sat down directly at the edge, pressing her back
> against one wall and her feet against the other. Aya took a deep
> breath, and threw the hook. It missed its target by a couple of
> centimetres. The hook rebounded off the wall of the shaft and then
> dropped like a stone. Aya braced herself. With an uncomfortably
> strong jerk the hook ended it's fall, but didn't manage to pull her
> off balance. Aya exhaled audibly. She had more luck with the second
> try, the hook caught on one of the struts and stuck. Aya tucked at
> the cable, but it held. She

'tugged at the cable'

> stood up and positioned herself at the edge of the shaft, then
> shortened the cable until and grabbed it with both hands. Well, there
>
until what?

> went nothing. She drew up her legs. The moment the weight was off her
> feet, the ground slipped away under her. Skidding over the edge like
> that still wasn't one of her favourite sensations, but she wasn't
> going to get a fit over it. After all this wasn't any different than
> the rope

'After all, this wasn't any different'

I'm not familiar with the phrase 'get a fit over it' I'm pretty sure I
know what you mean, but it's worded slightly differently than how I know
it. Admittedly, I'm not entirely familiar with British phrases, so that
might be correct anyway.

> swings she'd loved when she was little. Except for the distance to
> the ground. And the far less solid fastening. There was absolutely no
> reason to enjoy it. And she so wasn't trying to kid herself.
> Swinging her body contrary to the cable, Aya quickly reduced its
> momentum to the point where it was near still, then pushed a small
> button on the belt. Slowly, painstakingly slowly, the micro winch
> inside started to pull the cable in. There was nothing she could do
> about that; the winch was meant for the cable only. Being able to
> lift her was only an emergency feature, and quite an astonishing
> considering its size. If she could have climbed the cable, she'd
> already been up, but unfortunately it was too thin for that; nowhere
> to get a grip on it, even with the gloves. Instead this was turning
> out to become a trial of patience. Not the 'overcome and get
> stronger' kind, the other one - the 'suffer to until death' kind.
> Patience just wasn't her; reputedly that ran in the family. Not that
> she couldn't spend hours on, say, a jigsaw, she was fine with that,
> but waiting, especially when she didn't know how long, was like
> playing harpsichord on her nerves. In the end it took a whole seven
> minutes for her to get into range of the elevator's framework. Aya
> set the winch to stop and grabbed the strut closest to her, then
> started to work her way towards the centre of the grate, where a
> hatch was. Swinging forward and backwards a couple of times she
> gained momentum, then folded her body up and pushed though the hatch,
> which gave way without even bothering to put up any resistance. With
> the push of yet another button on her belt the cable detached from
> the hook and, without having her weight to bear, quickly retracted.
> She could have recovered the hook right away, but it was far easier
> when the platform was in ground position, and as far as she was
> concerned, she'd done enough acrobatics for that day. She sat down
> cross legged in the middle of the platform and flipped the control
> panel next to her open. She pushed a couple of button, but the lift
> didn't budge. Instead the diagnostic display

'buttons'

> sprung to live, greeting her with a jumble of status messages.
> Terrific. She'd always wanted to debug a lift. Well, things could be
> worse. Even if she couldn't get the thing to move, she was in a much
> better position here, than she had

I don't think the comma after 'position here' is necessary.

> been before climbing up. From here, she could always get out of the
> core shaft, and back onto the floor she had come from. She'd have to
> break a couple of locks this time, and crawling through the cabling
> floor twice a night wasn't exactly her idea of fun, but it sure beat
> starving to death. Oh, wait, she'd actually die of thirst first. Aya
> brought her train of thought to a halt and forced herself to
> concentrate on the lift control. Most of the messages were
> meaningless garbage, at least as far as she was concerned, but a few
> words caught her attention. It claimed to have suffered a protocol
> mismatch - probably when the building computer had tried to pass
> along her orders - and now the stupid thing had gone into diagnostic
> mode. There probably where ways to deal with that kind of thing
> amicably,

'probably were ways'

> but she wasn't in the habit of carrying the lift maintainers manual
> around with her. Besides she didn't feel very friendly about that
> piece of junk anyway. She produced one of her multitools from their
> holster and set it to screwdriver, then placed the tip on the first
> screw. It instantly hardened into the desired form. Reputedly there
> were still

'Reputedly, there were' (very nitpicky sometimes, sorry)

> people using interchangeable heads. She'd never get anything done if
> she had to lug that kind of weight around with her. There, that was
> the last one. Aya put it into her pocket to the others and removed
> the panel. Yikes.

Is it the last screw that she put in her pocket? This should probably be
'put it into her pocket with the others'

> Whoever was responsible for that deserved to die - a slow, painful
> death. She had seen hastily thrown together jury rigs better than
> this... can of worms on a paint diet? Some were still dangling from
> the panel she had lifted off, but most of them were sitting in a
> despicable rubbery goo. Glue. Whatever. It was a wonder the elevator

This use of 'despicable' is a little unusual. I mean, if the glue is
indeed deserving of contempt or scorn, by all means... but a word like
'vile,' 'disgusting,' or similar might be more appropriate.

> had ever moved at all. Too bad she couldn't really file a complaint,
> but what should she put in the form? Issuer: A thief? Might even be
> fun. Aya selected a pair a of wires that seemed marginally thicker
> than the rest and searched for the place where they connected to the
> circuit board. It turned out to be a small plug. Well, that looked
> promising; she pulled it off. The display turned dark; so either she
> had just cut the power, as intended, or fried the board. She plugged
> it back in. For a moment nothing happened, but then the display came
> to life again, telling her to wait for self diagnostics to finish.
> Instead she screwed the panel back on. She was almost done when the
> test were finished and a reassuring 'Ready.' appeared. A few button

'when the test finished'

> presses and the platform set obediently in motion, as if nothing had

'obediently into motion'

> ever happened, and of course nothing had happened as far as it was
> concerned. The air stream from below made Aya's eyes water as the
> elevator picked up speed and she had to take off her goggles.
> Instantly darkness enveloped her, but she didn't mind, simply closed

'but she didn't mind. She simply closed her eyes'

> her eyes and imagined being outside, brilliant sunshine warming her
> skin and a light breeze blowing. By the time the elevator had reached
> the bottom of the shaft she had almost managed to trick herself in
> believing it. The platform came to halt with a jerk. Aya donned her
> goggles and raised to her feet; time to get out of this place. She
> pulled the

'rose to her feet'

> hatch open and let herself drop into the space beneath the platform.
> It was rather low, and Aya had to actually get on her knees, to avoid
> hitting her head on the elevator's framework, as she retrieved her
> hook.

I'm not sure if the commas after 'knees' and 'framework' are really
necessary.

> A handful of steps led from the bottom of the shaft down into a small
> tunnel, tubes and cables lining one side. Above she could hear the
> gently hum of the transformers, supplying the whole of the building
> with power. After several meters the tunnel ended in a heavy door.
> Aya

'After several meters, the tunnel ended' Also, I notice you use the
British spellings of words generally, so have 'meters' here is a little
strange. Unless you mean she passed several little devices that mete. Smile

> pushed it open and stepped out of the building, though you would not
> have been able to tell by the looks, but the staircase she was no in

I'm not really sure what you mean here with 'the staircase she was no in
belonged to the public infrastructure.' Is she on a staircase? In a
staircase? Something else?

> belonged to the public infrastructure. With some afford she pushed
> the door shut, then tapped something into keypad next to it.
> Creaking, the

'the keypad'

> heavy bars slid into locking position, and not for the first time Aya
> wondered why they did that. No other doors she had come across did
> creak, at least not like that, and she had come across a few really
> heavy ones. Anyway, from here it was a piece of cake. Just an
> unreasonably large amount of stairs from the depths of the building's
> foundations to the infrastructure tunnels near the surface and a
> little stroll through said tunnels. Most people would probably have
> collapsed halfway up the stairs, no matter what kind of
> 'improvements' they had applied to their bodies; with all the lifts
> around, few ever felt the need to walk more than a handful of stairs
> at a time. Aya, however, was used to rely on her feet for moving
> around - and sometimes knees,

'relying'

> arms and hands. Even hurrying to make up for the time she had lost to
> the elevator, she reached the top only somewhat out of breath. She
> passed another door and then made her way into maze of

'the maze'

> tunnels beyond. Their network spread under the whole of the city,
> making it at least in theory possible to get anywhere within, without
>
'making it, at least in theory, possible' And the word 'within' is
probably extraneous. At the very least, it breaks up the flow being
right next to 'without'

> being noticed by the surface world. Theory failed rather quickly when
> you actually tried to do it. For one thing, all doors in and out of
> the tunnels were secured by locks, that were not really hard to
> bypass, but extremely hard to bypass without tripping the alarm.
> Then, of course, there was the law enforcement. It was impossible,
> and impractical, to control all the tunnels, but they did secure all
> the major hubs of the system - with cameras, sensors, you name it. Of
> course it did help, that through some strange quirk she had ended up
> on the mailing list for the security digest. Getting all the new
> codes directly from the source was definitely worth the afford she
> had put into making exactly this quirk happen. By now Aya had reached
> a door let into the side of the tunnel.

Would this be 'Aya had reached a door that let into the side' or
something else? Such a door that was set into the side of the tunnel.

> It looked a bit as if belonged into a ship rather than here, with its
> rounded edges and the lower border that ended several centimetres
> above the floor. That resemblance wasn't exactly coincidental, the
> door did lead the storm sewer.

'did lead to the storm sewer.'

> Before she tapped the code into the panel next to it, however, she
> needed a change of clothes. She put down her backpack and produced a
> pair of baggy pants and a sweater from it, pulling them over what she
> liked to refer to as her 'business outfit'. For one thing, someone
> might make the connection between a woman in skin tight black apparel
> and a break-in in the neighbourhood, but mostly because she'd die of
> embarrassment. The skin tight quality was very literal, and while it
> allowed an unprecedented freedom of movement, it also showed a great
> deal more than it concealed. Some girls wore that kind of thing to
> the clubs for exactly that reason, but there were usually of the kind
> whose reputation

'but they were'

> couldn't suffer for that kind of thing anymore, to formulate it
> diplomatically. Or how her father would put it: Slags. If her ever
> found out she even possessed something like that... He didn't
> approve.

'if her father ever found out'
Also, 'he wouldn't approve' is more consistent with the sentence.
However, this orphans the next sentence 'And neither did she' which
might be changed to 'She certainly didn't' or similar.

> And neither did she. Aya tapped the code into the panel, then stepped
> through the door and into a different world. Where the tunnels had
> been dry and clean, the air smelling of dust, the sewer was wet and
> thick with dirt. Water was everywhere: Flowing down the canal in the
> middle as a muddy stream, oozing from the walls, in the air. Algae
> grew

You might want to tighten up 'Flowing down the canal in the middle as a
muddy stream.' I lose track of it being part of a list. Possibly just
saying 'Flowing down the canal' and also maybe changing 'thick with
dirt' to 'thick with mud' if you need the mud reference.

> everywhere, covering the ground with slippery mucus, forcing her to
> watch her step. Nevertheless Aya welcomed the change. At least the

'Nevertheless, Aya welcomed the change.'

> place was alive, unlike the rest of the city; there was nothing
> artificial about it. And since it only collected rain water it didn't
> smell bad, not even of rats. And there were plenty. Rats, the
> universal constant of life. They were anywhere. On every planet,
> every station, every ship, adapting to the most adverse environments
> and thriving in places that otherwise incapable of

'that are otherwise'

> supporting higher life. Not before the advent of genetical analysis
> anyone had noticed that they weren't even native organisms, that good
> they blended it. Even today, nobody knew where they came from

Ok, this sentence needs a few things...
'Not before the advent of genetic analysis had anyone noticed that they
weren't even native organisms, the rats blended in so well.'

> originally, only a few rumours that they originated from some
> backwater planet, not even capable of space flight. Even mentioning
> them could sent scientists over the edge. Aya didn't really mind, as

'could send scientists'

> long as they didn't start crawling around on her. Actually, they
> looked kinda cute. Finally she reached a ladder. She pulled the hood
> of her

'Finally, she reached a ladder'

> sweater deep into her face, but kept her goggles on. They looked

Hmm, 'far over her face' possibly. Again, unless you mean something else.

> perfectly like sunglasses, so nobody would give them a second though.
> She didn't get why anyone would want to wear sunglasses at night in
> the first place, but if fashion allowed her to use night vision in
> public, who was she to complain.

This might need a question mark after 'complain'

> The manhole led into a back alley. In the actual streets there were
> only drainage grates in the curbs, all the actual manholes had been
> placed out of the way for practical and security reasons, which
> served Aya well. After all climbing out of the sewer in the middle of
>
'After all, climbing out'

> the road might have been just a tad suspicious. She nonchalantly
> pushed the cover back onto the hole with her foot and then walked
> off, as if climbing out of sewers was the most natural thing in the
> world. There wasn't even much acting involved, after all she did this
> all the time.

'There wasn't even much acting involved. After all, she did this all the
time.'

> A couple of minutes later she was in the open road, diving into the
> streams of people that even at this time ran through the city. On of
> many, impossible to point out.

I assume you mean 'One of many'. If you wanted to be more specific, it
might read 'Now she was one of many, impossible to point out.' This is,
of course, how I interpreted the last sentence after a little bit of
thought.


Right, so maybe I had a few more nitpicks than I initially thought. But
as I said, looks good. Sorry it took several days to get this written
up. Proofreading mode takes a lot longer for me and you can probably see
why Thomas got to these before me. Also, I'm a little self-conscious
about writing. My grammar and spelling capabilities are head and
shoulders above most Americans, but I'm no English major.
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emmel

External


Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 3) Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:08 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On 2008-07-04, Red Dragon <agclurker.RemoveThis@lurkerson.net> wrote:
> emmel wrote:
>> On 2008-07-03, Red Dragon <agclurker.RemoveThis@lurkerson.net> wrote:
>>> emmel wrote:

<snip>

>>>> of the room surfaced from the darkness. A couple of man high display
>>>> cases covered the wall opposite
>>> I'm not 100% positive, but you might want to hyphenate 'man high'
>>
>> I think I'll trust you on this one. Hyphenating words is something I
>> never seem to get the hang of.
>
> I need to look some things up myself. But with this, you're basically
> describing (man) a descriptive word (high). And when two descriptive
> words are related like that, generally you connect them with a hyphen,
> making them one word like it's supposed to read.
>
> I hope that makes sense.

::shrugs::
More or less. 'man-high' it is then.

>>>> transparent, only the caps at the ends were opaque and grey. She
>>>> unscrewed the top and placed the trophy inside, then screwed it back
>>>> on and pushed a large button on the bottom portion. A lamp next
>>> This is a light on the cylinder next to the button Aya pressed, correct?
>>> Unless that's a common British usage of lamp I'm unfamiliar with, you
>>> might want to just use 'light.' My American brain immediately jumped to
>>> the lamp-with-a-shade-and-on-a-table interpretation. Which was briefly
>>> amusing.
>>
>> Well, according to my dictionary 'indicator lamp' is legal, although
>> might prefer 'pilot light'. I think using light here would indeed be
>> better, although amusement, if only brief, is definitely to be valued
>> Wink
>>
>
> Oh yeah, indicator lamp. That's a valid term. But generally people don't
> use 'lamp' on it's own in that way.

I thing I'll go with light then.

>>>> Fortunately there weren't. She didn't really mind stumbling around in
>>>> mazes that much, but she was on a schedule. Not a terribly tight one,
>>>> that would have been asking for trouble, but she preferred not to
>>>> waste what extra time she had on office layouts. You never knew what
>>>> you might need it for later on. In the office the circular layout of
>>>> the building had been hardly visible, with only the slightest bend
>>>> hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was impossible to
>>>> miss. The whole of the
>>> I'm trying very hard to understand exactly what this first sentence is
>>> telling me. And it's a little cumbersome with all these commas. You
>>> might want to split it up somehow. Watch as I don't help with that. Smile
>>
>> Well, the first sentence is refering to the 'more walls not in the
>> plan'. Let's try improving that a bit...
>>
>> Fortunately there weren't any. She didn't really mind stumbling around
>> in mazes, but anything at it's time. And she was on a schedule after
>> all, even if not a terribly tight one. Still, she'd rather not waste
>> what extra time she did have on figuring out office layouts. You never
>> knew if you didn't need it later on.
>>
>> BTW, did your usenet client ignore all the tabs? I'm pretty sure - make
>> that dead sure, I just checked - that there ought to be a line break
>> after 'later on.' and an indentation before 'In the office.'
>
> Actually, I was referring more to the sentence 'In the office the
> circular layout of the building had been hardly visible, with only the
> slightest bend hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was
> impossible to miss.' The one you rewrote actually made perfect sense as is.

Oh. Probably more like this then:

'The outer wall's curvature had been sligh enough not to be overly
noticeable in the office, but that close to the centre it was impossible
to miss the circular nature of the building.'

Not really that great either, but at the moment I'm at a loss how to
make it more clear. Maybe 'circular' could be replaced by 'concentric',
but I'm not sure about that either.

> And my client gets some of the line breaks and indentions, but
> apparently not all of them.

Oh, that really sucks.

>>> 'To anyone with claustrophobia, this place would have been hell. To
>>> anyone with acrophobia, even more so.'
>>
>> Hm... what about:
>>
>> To anyone with claustrophobia this place would have been hell. To anyone
>> with acrophobia - more so.
>>
>> I'm not quite comfortable with those commas... Is there any rule these
>> are based on, or are you doing it completely by feeling?
>
> That's a fine rewrite too. I was mostly bothered by trying to make the
> whole thing a single sentence.
>
> And I go by the rules I've learned in writing classes, and what feels
> good to me. Admittedly, this is not always flawless, but I haven't
> gotten points off for punctuation abuse and neglect on a college paper
> so far. Commas are there to make sure your readers don't combine the
> words in your sentence in a way you didn't intend.

It's just... German has quite definite rules for that kind of thing,
based on sentence structure - main sentence, auxillary sentence, that
kind of thing. Or at least it had. With the new rules I don't know how
to write *anything* correctly, commas included.

>>>> way, if you could be call it that, matched those of the door, making
>>>> it about a half metre in width and two in height. Unlike a normal
>>>> passage way, however, it abruptly ended after a couple of steps. Not
>>>> in a wall, though - it opened into the core shaft itself. One hundred
>>>> and twenty floors of free fall, sublevels not included, and she
>>>> wasn't even that close to the top. Free fall wasn't what she had
>>>> planned, though. The height wasn't a problem, at least none that a
>>>> good rope couldn't deal with, but at five metres in diameter the
>>>> shaft didn't forgive any wrong move and ending as a smear on the wall
>>>> wasn't that enticing a prospect. Where was that stupid service
>>>> platform anyway? It should have been waiting for her when he came in.
>>>> Aya edged closer to the shaft,
>>> 'when she came in' I assume
>>
>> Yes. I think we can safely rule spontanious gender change out.
>
> Oh good. I was hoping that was not an awkward side effect of being in
> the city or something.

Well, it might, but Aya would probably be immune against it.

>>> I'm not familiar with the phrase 'get a fit over it' I'm pretty sure I
>>> know what you mean, but it's worded slightly differently than how I know
>>> it. Admittedly, I'm not entirely familiar with British phrases, so that
>>> might be correct anyway.
>>
>> Hey, neither am I. Looks like it should be '[...] wasn't going to have a
>> fit over it.' 'get' just doesn't belong there.
>
> Indeed. That's the phrase with which I'm more familiar.

I tend to mix stuff up in my head. It's not like I have a phrases list
or anything, just my memory of stuff I have read or heard. The results
are quite strange sometimes, I can tell you.

>>>> Whoever was responsible for that deserved to die - a slow, painful
>>>> death. She had seen hastily thrown together jury rigs better than
>>>> this... can of worms on a paint diet? Some were still dangling from
>>>> the panel she had lifted off, but most of them were sitting in a
>>>> despicable rubbery goo. Glue. Whatever. It was a wonder the elevator
>>> This use of 'despicable' is a little unusual. I mean, if the glue is
>>> indeed deserving of contempt or scorn, by all means... but a word like
>>> 'vile,' 'disgusting,' or similar might be more appropriate.
>>
>> 'revolting'? And is deserving scorn. Using hot glue to hold cables in
>> place is just so... It's a shooting offence as far as I am concerned.
>
> 'Revolting' is a great word for it. And gluing cables in place does seem
> quite... Inadvisable. To put it lightly.

They did that kind of thing with computers in the early nineties...
well, now you know where that paragraph comes from. Right out of my
heart.

>>>> pushed it open and stepped out of the building, though you would not
>>>> have been able to tell by the looks, but the staircase she was no in
>>> I'm not really sure what you mean here with 'the staircase she was no in
>>> belonged to the public infrastructure.' Is she on a staircase? In a
>>> staircase? Something else?
>>
>> '[...] stepped out of the building. You wouldn't have been able to tell
>> be the difference, but the staircase in front of her belonged to the
>> public infrastructre.'
>>
>> She is at the foot of a (really high) staircase. The staircase does
>> belong to the public infrastructure, and therefore not to the building.
>> You wouldn't be able to tell by the looks, though.
>
> Ah, now here position is more clear. I feel better about you ending the
> sentence after '[...] stepped out of the building.' but I think you can
> keep the 'looks' part like so:
>
> '[...] stepped out of the building. You wouldn't have been able to
> tell by the looks of it, but the staircase in front of her belonged to
> the public infrastructre.'

If I put an 'already' at the end of the sentence... Should do nicely.

>>>> at a time. Aya, however, was used to rely on her feet for moving
>>>> around - and sometimes knees,
>>> 'relying'
>>
>> Feels a bit odd, but you should know better than me.
>
> Trust me on this one. Grammatically speaking, 'rely' is inappropriate
> for tense of the sentence.

OK

>>>> had put into making exactly this quirk happen. By now Aya had reached
>>>> a door let into the side of the tunnel.
>>> Would this be 'Aya had reached a door that let into the side' or
>>> something else? Such a door that was set into the side of the tunnel.
>>
>> A door let (set) into the side of the tunnel. Any suggestions?
>
> Well, reading the sentence, it would seem 'By now Aya had reached a door
> set into the side of the tunnel.' would be the best choice. The other
> situation I was thinking of involved a door that opened up and lead into
> the side of the tunnel. I suppose that would just be a door with a brick
> wall behind it.

Probably have those too, but Aya wouldn't try to step through them.

> Anyway, that second situation doesn't make sense. Unless you wanted to
> say that she 'reached a door that lead to a side tunnel' or as I
> initially read it, 'reached a door that let into a side tunnel'

Using 'set' instead of 'let' sounds good to me. I kinda likes the 'let'
in there, but it's more important for it to be readable.

>>> Also, 'he wouldn't approve' is more consistent with the sentence.
>>> However, this orphans the next sentence 'And neither did she' which
>>> might be changed to 'She certainly didn't' or similar.
>>
>> 'He wouldn't approve. She knew she wouldn't.'
>> Does that work out OK?
>
> Perfect. Even better.

Ah, a good thing to hear.

>>>> And neither did she. Aya tapped the code into the panel, then stepped
>>>> through the door and into a different world. Where the tunnels had
>>>> been dry and clean, the air smelling of dust, the sewer was wet and
>>>> thick with dirt. Water was everywhere: Flowing down the canal in the
>>>> middle as a muddy stream, oozing from the walls, in the air. Algae
>>>> grew
>>> You might want to tighten up 'Flowing down the canal in the middle as a
>>> muddy stream.' I lose track of it being part of a list. Possibly just
>>> saying 'Flowing down the canal' and also maybe changing 'thick with
>>> dirt' to 'thick with mud' if you need the mud reference.
>>
>> Let's see...
>>
>> 'Water was everywhere. The muddy stream flowing down the canal in the
>> middle was only a small part of it. It was oozing from the wall, hanging
>> in the air and the algae growing everywhere didn't make things any
>> better. She had to carefully watch her step, not to slip on the slimy
>> mucus.
>> Nevertheless Aya welcomed the change.'
>
> Ooo, that's good too. I approve.

Good.

>>>> universal constant of life. They were anywhere. On every planet,
>>>> every station, every ship, adapting to the most adverse environments
>>>> and thriving in places that otherwise incapable of
>>> 'that are otherwise'
>>
>> 'that were otherwise'
>
> Yeah, that's probably better than mine.

::bows::

>>>> supporting higher life. Not before the advent of genetical analysis
>>>> anyone had noticed that they weren't even native organisms, that good
>>>> they blended it. Even today, nobody knew where they came from
>>> Ok, this sentence needs a few things...
>>> 'Not before the advent of genetic analysis had anyone noticed that they
>>> weren't even native organisms, the rats blended in so well.'
>>
>> 'genetic'? Without the 'l'? And I think '[...], they blended in that
>> well.' might even be better, don't you think?
>
> I do think that sounds better. And yes, just genetic is the correct
> word, seeing as genetical isn't actually a word.

Well, I'll change it, but I beg to differ:

Genetical \Ge*net"ic*al\ (j[-e]*n[e^]t"[i^]*kal), a. [See Genesis.]
Pertaining to, concerned with, or determined by, the genesis of
anything, or its natural mode of production or development.
[1913 Webster]

This historical, genetical method of viewing prior systems of
philosophy. --Hare. [1913 Webster]

>>>> originally, only a few rumours that they originated from some
>>>> backwater planet, not even capable of space flight. Even mentioning
>>>> them could sent scientists over the edge. Aya didn't really mind, as
>>> 'could send scientists'
>>
>> Definitely. An artifact from the time where there was no 'could'.
>>
>
> That's a good use of proofreading then. Changing things around always
> leaves weirdness I seem to miss on my own writing.

Yeah, I should *definitely* do proof reading. I'm just that eager to get
things out sometimes...

>>>> sweater deep into her face, but kept her goggles on. They looked
>>> Hmm, 'far over her face' possibly. Again, unless you mean something else.
>>
>> Well, I meant pulling it over the head and then as far down as possible,
>> so it would leave the face in shadow, even in broad light. More or less.
>> Still 'far over her face'?
>
> Maybe 'far down over her face' but yes.

::nods::

>>>> A couple of minutes later she was in the open road, diving into the
>>>> streams of people that even at this time ran through the city. On of
>>>> many, impossible to point out.
>>> I assume you mean 'One of many'. If you wanted to be more specific, it
>>> might read 'Now she was one of many, impossible to point out.' This is,
>>> of course, how I interpreted the last sentence after a little bit of
>>> thought.
>>
>> Now she was merely one of many; impossible to single out.
>
> Yes, that's a bit more elegant than mine.

Ah, glad to hear that. The single was actually a last minute addition,
that happened shortly after I posted the whole thing. Everytime I *do*
read anything I have written, things start to change. There are maybe a
dozen changes I introduced to Laiva's tale when I recorded the first
paragraphs...

>>> Also, I'm a little self-conscious
>>> about writing. My grammar and spelling capabilities are head and
>>> shoulders above most Americans, but I'm no English major.
>>
>> Compared to me... you are a grammar and spelling god... Or was that
>> godess?
>
> Goddess Smile

Ah, had that in the back of my mind, but I wasn't certain.

> And I try. I just constantly fear I might steer you wrong if I start
> messing with your writing. At least I'm in the habit of thinking with
> proper grammar.

Oh, that's not that easy. It's not like I jump at any suggestion, even
if it looks like that. I only change things when I have a good idea why
it ought to be changed.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

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Red Dragon

External


Since: Jul 31, 2006
Posts: 107



(Msg. 4) Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:24 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

emmel wrote:
> On 2008-07-04, Red Dragon <agclurker.TakeThisOut@lurkerson.net> wrote:
>> emmel wrote:
>>> On 2008-07-03, Red Dragon <agclurker.TakeThisOut@lurkerson.net> wrote:
>>>> emmel wrote:
>

<snip>

>>>>> Fortunately there weren't. She didn't really mind stumbling around in
>>>>> mazes that much, but she was on a schedule. Not a terribly tight one,
>>>>> that would have been asking for trouble, but she preferred not to
>>>>> waste what extra time she had on office layouts. You never knew what
>>>>> you might need it for later on. In the office the circular layout of
>>>>> the building had been hardly visible, with only the slightest bend
>>>>> hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was impossible to
>>>>> miss. The whole of the
>>>> I'm trying very hard to understand exactly what this first sentence is
>>>> telling me. And it's a little cumbersome with all these commas. You
>>>> might want to split it up somehow. Watch as I don't help with that. Smile
>>> Well, the first sentence is refering to the 'more walls not in the
>>> plan'. Let's try improving that a bit...
>>>
>>> Fortunately there weren't any. She didn't really mind stumbling around
>>> in mazes, but anything at it's time. And she was on a schedule after
>>> all, even if not a terribly tight one. Still, she'd rather not waste
>>> what extra time she did have on figuring out office layouts. You never
>>> knew if you didn't need it later on.
>>>
>>> BTW, did your usenet client ignore all the tabs? I'm pretty sure - make
>>> that dead sure, I just checked - that there ought to be a line break
>>> after 'later on.' and an indentation before 'In the office.'
>> Actually, I was referring more to the sentence 'In the office the
>> circular layout of the building had been hardly visible, with only the
>> slightest bend hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was
>> impossible to miss.' The one you rewrote actually made perfect sense as is.
>
> Oh. Probably more like this then:
>
> 'The outer wall's curvature had been sligh enough not to be overly
> noticeable in the office, but that close to the centre it was impossible
> to miss the circular nature of the building.'
>
> Not really that great either, but at the moment I'm at a loss how to
> make it more clear. Maybe 'circular' could be replaced by 'concentric',
> but I'm not sure about that either.

Well, it's clearer than the original, and reads well to me. If you don't
like it for other reasons, this just may be a sentence that needs bit
more thought. Concentric, however, doesn't necessarily mean circular.

There aren't a whole lot of synonyms for 'circular.' I mean, there's
'round,' of course, and I suppose you could use 'cylindrical.' And then
there's the more obscure 'annular,' but it's more related to rings than
circles...

>
>> And my client gets some of the line breaks and indentions, but
>> apparently not all of them.
>
> Oh, that really sucks.
>
>>>> 'To anyone with claustrophobia, this place would have been hell. To
>>>> anyone with acrophobia, even more so.'
>>> Hm... what about:
>>>
>>> To anyone with claustrophobia this place would have been hell. To anyone
>>> with acrophobia - more so.
>>>
>>> I'm not quite comfortable with those commas... Is there any rule these
>>> are based on, or are you doing it completely by feeling?
>> That's a fine rewrite too. I was mostly bothered by trying to make the
>> whole thing a single sentence.
>>
>> And I go by the rules I've learned in writing classes, and what feels
>> good to me. Admittedly, this is not always flawless, but I haven't
>> gotten points off for punctuation abuse and neglect on a college paper
>> so far. Commas are there to make sure your readers don't combine the
>> words in your sentence in a way you didn't intend.
>
> It's just... German has quite definite rules for that kind of thing,
> based on sentence structure - main sentence, auxillary sentence, that
> kind of thing. Or at least it had. With the new rules I don't know how
> to write *anything* correctly, commas included.

English might have more definite rules like that, but I couldn't recite
them for you. My experience is mostly lots of exposure to proper
writing, and very little exposure to messes. Rules with which I'm
familiar have just been absorbed into my subconscious.

I'm also lucky that English hasn't gone through any massive official
changes in my literate lifetime either.

<snip>

>>>>> pushed it open and stepped out of the building, though you would not
>>>>> have been able to tell by the looks, but the staircase she was no in
>>>> I'm not really sure what you mean here with 'the staircase she was no in
>>>> belonged to the public infrastructure.' Is she on a staircase? In a
>>>> staircase? Something else?
>>> '[...] stepped out of the building. You wouldn't have been able to tell
>>> be the difference, but the staircase in front of her belonged to the
>>> public infrastructre.'
>>>
>>> She is at the foot of a (really high) staircase. The staircase does
>>> belong to the public infrastructure, and therefore not to the building.
>>> You wouldn't be able to tell by the looks, though.
>> Ah, now here position is more clear. I feel better about you ending the
>> sentence after '[...] stepped out of the building.' but I think you can
>> keep the 'looks' part like so:
>>
>> '[...] stepped out of the building. You wouldn't have been able to
>> tell by the looks of it, but the staircase in front of her belonged to
>> the public infrastructre.'
>
> If I put an 'already' at the end of the sentence... Should do nicely.

If you like. I'm not sure what 'already' would add to it. Just be sure
to not repeat my misspelling of 'infrastructure.'

>>>>> at a time. Aya, however, was used to rely on her feet for moving
>>>>> around - and sometimes knees,
>>>> 'relying'
>>> Feels a bit odd, but you should know better than me.
>> Trust me on this one. Grammatically speaking, 'rely' is inappropriate
>> for tense of the sentence.
>
> OK
>
>>>>> had put into making exactly this quirk happen. By now Aya had reached
>>>>> a door let into the side of the tunnel.
>>>> Would this be 'Aya had reached a door that let into the side' or
>>>> something else? Such a door that was set into the side of the tunnel.
>>> A door let (set) into the side of the tunnel. Any suggestions?
>> Well, reading the sentence, it would seem 'By now Aya had reached a door
>> set into the side of the tunnel.' would be the best choice. The other
>> situation I was thinking of involved a door that opened up and lead into
>> the side of the tunnel. I suppose that would just be a door with a brick
>> wall behind it.
>
> Probably have those too, but Aya wouldn't try to step through them.
>
>> Anyway, that second situation doesn't make sense. Unless you wanted to
>> say that she 'reached a door that lead to a side tunnel' or as I
>> initially read it, 'reached a door that let into a side tunnel'
>
> Using 'set' instead of 'let' sounds good to me. I kinda likes the 'let'
> in there, but it's more important for it to be readable.

If you're attached to 'let,' you could still use the last example I
wrote: 'By now, Aya had reached a door that let into a side tunnel.'

But 'set' and 'let' are not interchangeable in the least, so the wording
has to be a little different for each of them.

<snippity>

>>>>> supporting higher life. Not before the advent of genetical analysis
>>>>> anyone had noticed that they weren't even native organisms, that good
>>>>> they blended it. Even today, nobody knew where they came from
>>>> Ok, this sentence needs a few things...
>>>> 'Not before the advent of genetic analysis had anyone noticed that they
>>>> weren't even native organisms, the rats blended in so well.'
>>> 'genetic'? Without the 'l'? And I think '[...], they blended in that
>>> well.' might even be better, don't you think?
>> I do think that sounds better. And yes, just genetic is the correct
>> word, seeing as genetical isn't actually a word.
>
> Well, I'll change it, but I beg to differ:
>
> Genetical \Ge*net"ic*al\ (j[-e]*n[e^]t"[i^]*kal), a. [See Genesis.]
> Pertaining to, concerned with, or determined by, the genesis of
> anything, or its natural mode of production or development.
> [1913 Webster]
>
> This historical, genetical method of viewing prior systems of
> philosophy. --Hare. [1913 Webster]

Fascinating. I learn something new everyday if I'm not careful.

Although, I went around looking in all of my dictionaries (yes, I like
having a lot of different ones around), and only one of them had
'genetical' in it. Even then, it was thrown into the same entry as
'genetic,' so I suspect it's a slightly archaic word that 'genetic' has
completely replaced.

You'd probably raise eyebrows if you used 'genetical' instead.

<final snip>

>>>> Also, I'm a little self-conscious
>>>> about writing. My grammar and spelling capabilities are head and
>>>> shoulders above most Americans, but I'm no English major.
>>> Compared to me... you are a grammar and spelling god... Or was that
>>> godess?
>> Goddess Smile
>
> Ah, had that in the back of my mind, but I wasn't certain.
>
>> And I try. I just constantly fear I might steer you wrong if I start
>> messing with your writing. At least I'm in the habit of thinking with
>> proper grammar.
>
> Oh, that's not that easy. It's not like I jump at any suggestion, even
> if it looks like that. I only change things when I have a good idea why
> it ought to be changed.

Perhaps I should be more concerned with missing something instead. I'd
hate to let you down. Smile
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Neo

External


Since: Jul 07, 2008
Posts: 115



(Msg. 5) Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:04 pm
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

emmel wrote:
> On 2008-07-04, Red Dragon <agclurker.DeleteThis@lurkerson.net> wrote:
<snip>
> It's just... German has quite definite rules for that kind of thing,
> based on sentence structure - main sentence, auxillary sentence, that
> kind of thing. Or at least it had. With the new rules I don't know how
> to write *anything* correctly, commas included.

Same here in Holland. We had two language reforms since I learned
writing at secondary school. And I still write it the way I learned it
back then.

I had extra lessons when I came to secondary school and I am not
spending my time on yet new rules. Well, I adapt to some of them if I
view the new wordings as more 'aesthetic'... (and sometimes I give in to
spell checkers too I must admit).

Guess "you've got to build bypasses, Mr. Dent" Smile))

Language reformers don't like sitting around doing nothing.

The funny thing is that we have writing competitions in Holland and
Belgium. (And the Belgians are usually better at it than we are I must
admit). But the people that win it nowadays usually are virtual nobodies
nobody ever heard from. Used to be renown writers that were best at our
language. Or maybe journalists (IIRC).

I think you are doing something very wrong if this happens to a national
language. Writers should be the ultimate carriers and embodiment of a
countries culture (and language)!

<snip>
>> 'Revolting' is a great word for it. And gluing cables in place does seem
>> quite... Inadvisable. To put it lightly.
>
> They did that kind of thing with computers in the early nineties...
> well, now you know where that paragraph comes from. Right out of my
> heart.

They did? What brand?

I usually use duct tape to glue cables to parts of the enclosure. And
tie-wraps if I have any spare ones laying around (they usually come with
the boxes or components you ordered).

They need to be pretty strong though. I once bought a bag full of them
but they kept getting loose all by themselves. That is even more
dangerous than not having tie-wraps.

Point is, you don't want any cables or connectors hanging loose besides
your cooling fans (not that you had much of those in the early nineties,
a Pentium 60 had no fan on top of it IIRC).

Other than that it is mostly cooling inside the case that is import.
When you bind cables together the air can get past them more easily.
Resulting in a better air-flow inside the casing Smile

Neo
--
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
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emmel

External


Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 6) Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:20 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On 2008-07-07, Red Dragon <agclurker RemoveThis @lurkerson.net> wrote:
> emmel wrote:
>> On 2008-07-04, Red Dragon <agclurker RemoveThis @lurkerson.net> wrote:
>>> emmel wrote:
>>>> On 2008-07-03, Red Dragon <agclurker RemoveThis @lurkerson.net> wrote:
>>>>> emmel wrote:
>>
>
><snip>
>
>>>>>> Fortunately there weren't. She didn't really mind stumbling around in
>>>>>> mazes that much, but she was on a schedule. Not a terribly tight one,
>>>>>> that would have been asking for trouble, but she preferred not to
>>>>>> waste what extra time she had on office layouts. You never knew what
>>>>>> you might need it for later on. In the office the circular layout of
>>>>>> the building had been hardly visible, with only the slightest bend
>>>>>> hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was impossible to
>>>>>> miss. The whole of the
>>>>> I'm trying very hard to understand exactly what this first sentence is
>>>>> telling me. And it's a little cumbersome with all these commas. You
>>>>> might want to split it up somehow. Watch as I don't help with that. Smile
>>>> Well, the first sentence is refering to the 'more walls not in the
>>>> plan'. Let's try improving that a bit...
>>>>
>>>> Fortunately there weren't any. She didn't really mind stumbling around
>>>> in mazes, but anything at it's time. And she was on a schedule after
>>>> all, even if not a terribly tight one. Still, she'd rather not waste
>>>> what extra time she did have on figuring out office layouts. You never
>>>> knew if you didn't need it later on.
>>>>
>>>> BTW, did your usenet client ignore all the tabs? I'm pretty sure - make
>>>> that dead sure, I just checked - that there ought to be a line break
>>>> after 'later on.' and an indentation before 'In the office.'
>>> Actually, I was referring more to the sentence 'In the office the
>>> circular layout of the building had been hardly visible, with only the
>>> slightest bend hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was
>>> impossible to miss.' The one you rewrote actually made perfect sense as is.
>>
>> Oh. Probably more like this then:
>>
>> 'The outer wall's curvature had been sligh enough not to be overly
>> noticeable in the office, but that close to the centre it was impossible
>> to miss the circular nature of the building.'
>>
>> Not really that great either, but at the moment I'm at a loss how to
>> make it more clear. Maybe 'circular' could be replaced by 'concentric',
>> but I'm not sure about that either.
>
> Well, it's clearer than the original, and reads well to me. If you don't
> like it for other reasons, this just may be a sentence that needs bit
> more thought. Concentric, however, doesn't necessarily mean circular.

I know, just a thought. It's just kind of hard for me to put images into
words sometimes. In fact the layout is *both* circular and concentric.

> There aren't a whole lot of synonyms for 'circular.' I mean, there's
> 'round,' of course, and I suppose you could use 'cylindrical.' And then
> there's the more obscure 'annular,' but it's more related to rings than
> circles...

OK, the rewritten sentence with 'circular' then.

>>>>> 'To anyone with claustrophobia, this place would have been hell. To
>>>>> anyone with acrophobia, even more so.'
>>>> Hm... what about:
>>>>
>>>> To anyone with claustrophobia this place would have been hell. To anyone
>>>> with acrophobia - more so.
>>>>
>>>> I'm not quite comfortable with those commas... Is there any rule these
>>>> are based on, or are you doing it completely by feeling?
>>> That's a fine rewrite too. I was mostly bothered by trying to make the
>>> whole thing a single sentence.
>>>
>>> And I go by the rules I've learned in writing classes, and what feels
>>> good to me. Admittedly, this is not always flawless, but I haven't
>>> gotten points off for punctuation abuse and neglect on a college paper
>>> so far. Commas are there to make sure your readers don't combine the
>>> words in your sentence in a way you didn't intend.
>>
>> It's just... German has quite definite rules for that kind of thing,
>> based on sentence structure - main sentence, auxillary sentence, that
>> kind of thing. Or at least it had. With the new rules I don't know how
>> to write *anything* correctly, commas included.
>
> English might have more definite rules like that, but I couldn't recite
> them for you. My experience is mostly lots of exposure to proper
> writing, and very little exposure to messes. Rules with which I'm
> familiar have just been absorbed into my subconscious.

Same here, but unfortunately my exposure now includes both old and new
writing. Gotta hate it. Some words just look so... wrong.

> I'm also lucky that English hasn't gone through any massive official
> changes in my literate lifetime either.

Very. There's this nice bit Mark Twain (or at least attributed to him)
wrote about reforming the English spelling, where he's actually applying
the new rules as the text continues on. I don't know if you are familiar
with it, but it's hillarious. Here a link for your convenience:
http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/87/2094.10.html

The last sentence quite captures how I sometimes feel. Well, it's not
quite that bad, but still.

>>>>>> pushed it open and stepped out of the building, though you would not
>>>>>> have been able to tell by the looks, but the staircase she was no in
>>>>> I'm not really sure what you mean here with 'the staircase she was no in
>>>>> belonged to the public infrastructure.' Is she on a staircase? In a
>>>>> staircase? Something else?
>>>> '[...] stepped out of the building. You wouldn't have been able to tell
>>>> be the difference, but the staircase in front of her belonged to the
>>>> public infrastructre.'
>>>>
>>>> She is at the foot of a (really high) staircase. The staircase does
>>>> belong to the public infrastructure, and therefore not to the building.
>>>> You wouldn't be able to tell by the looks, though.
>>> Ah, now here position is more clear. I feel better about you ending the
>>> sentence after '[...] stepped out of the building.' but I think you can
>>> keep the 'looks' part like so:
>>>
>>> '[...] stepped out of the building. You wouldn't have been able to
>>> tell by the looks of it, but the staircase in front of her belonged to
>>> the public infrastructre.'
>>
>> If I put an 'already' at the end of the sentence... Should do nicely.
>
> If you like. I'm not sure what 'already' would add to it.

Hard to say, it just feels better. Which doesn't have to mean anything,
I've been known to add a superfluous words.

> Just be sure
> to not repeat my misspelling of 'infrastructure.'

Didn't even notice that one.

>>>>>> at a time. Aya, however, was used to rely on her feet for moving
>>>>>> around - and sometimes knees,
>>>>> 'relying'
>>>> Feels a bit odd, but you should know better than me.
>>> Trust me on this one. Grammatically speaking, 'rely' is inappropriate
>>> for tense of the sentence.
>>
>> OK
>>
>>>>>> had put into making exactly this quirk happen. By now Aya had reached
>>>>>> a door let into the side of the tunnel.
>>>>> Would this be 'Aya had reached a door that let into the side' or
>>>>> something else? Such a door that was set into the side of the tunnel.
>>>> A door let (set) into the side of the tunnel. Any suggestions?
>>> Well, reading the sentence, it would seem 'By now Aya had reached a door
>>> set into the side of the tunnel.' would be the best choice. The other
>>> situation I was thinking of involved a door that opened up and lead into
>>> the side of the tunnel. I suppose that would just be a door with a brick
>>> wall behind it.
>>
>> Probably have those too, but Aya wouldn't try to step through them.
>>
>>> Anyway, that second situation doesn't make sense. Unless you wanted to
>>> say that she 'reached a door that lead to a side tunnel' or as I
>>> initially read it, 'reached a door that let into a side tunnel'
>>
>> Using 'set' instead of 'let' sounds good to me. I kinda likes the 'let'
>> in there, but it's more important for it to be readable.
>
> If you're attached to 'let,' you could still use the last example I
> wrote: 'By now, Aya had reached a door that let into a side tunnel.'
>
> But 'set' and 'let' are not interchangeable in the least, so the wording
> has to be a little different for each of them.
>
><snippity>

Oh well.

>>>>>> supporting higher life. Not before the advent of genetical analysis
>>>>>> anyone had noticed that they weren't even native organisms, that good
>>>>>> they blended it. Even today, nobody knew where they came from
>>>>> Ok, this sentence needs a few things...
>>>>> 'Not before the advent of genetic analysis had anyone noticed that they
>>>>> weren't even native organisms, the rats blended in so well.'
>>>> 'genetic'? Without the 'l'? And I think '[...], they blended in that
>>>> well.' might even be better, don't you think?
>>> I do think that sounds better. And yes, just genetic is the correct
>>> word, seeing as genetical isn't actually a word.
>>
>> Well, I'll change it, but I beg to differ:
>>
>> Genetical \Ge*net"ic*al\ (j[-e]*n[e^]t"[i^]*kal), a. [See Genesis.]
>> Pertaining to, concerned with, or determined by, the genesis of
>> anything, or its natural mode of production or development.
>> [1913 Webster]
>>
>> This historical, genetical method of viewing prior systems of
>> philosophy. --Hare. [1913 Webster]
>
> Fascinating. I learn something new everyday if I'm not careful.
>
> Although, I went around looking in all of my dictionaries (yes, I like
> having a lot of different ones around), and only one of them had
> 'genetical' in it. Even then, it was thrown into the same entry as
> 'genetic,' so I suspect it's a slightly archaic word that 'genetic' has
> completely replaced.
>
> You'd probably raise eyebrows if you used 'genetical' instead.
>
><final snip>

I'm having something of a shortage when it comes to contemporary English
dictionaries. That bit comes more or less directly from the 1913 edition
of Webster's, which is the basis for most free ones out there. It
sometimes shows.

>>>>> Also, I'm a little self-conscious
>>>>> about writing. My grammar and spelling capabilities are head and
>>>>> shoulders above most Americans, but I'm no English major.
>>>> Compared to me... you are a grammar and spelling god... Or was that
>>>> godess?
>>> Goddess Smile
>>
>> Ah, had that in the back of my mind, but I wasn't certain.
>>
>>> And I try. I just constantly fear I might steer you wrong if I start
>>> messing with your writing. At least I'm in the habit of thinking with
>>> proper grammar.
>>
>> Oh, that's not that easy. It's not like I jump at any suggestion, even
>> if it looks like that. I only change things when I have a good idea why
>> it ought to be changed.
>
> Perhaps I should be more concerned with missing something instead. I'd
> hate to let you down. Smile

Oh, come on. You've already done that much.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

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Neo

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Since: Jul 07, 2008
Posts: 115



(Msg. 7) Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:53 pm
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

emmel wrote:
> On 2008-07-11, Neo <what.RemoveThis@thematrix.is> wrote:
<snip>
>> I would advice to take an onboard graphics card for you (nothing
>> Intelli). And motherboard components that don't need active cooling,
>> because those things can break down too.
>
> Laptop has on-board, obviously. although with external ram. Desktop
> still has an old AGP card. And I'll have to live with that setup with
> the time being.

You have gaming laptops these days of course. Like the Dell XPS M1730
with two GeForce 8800M cards in SLI and S-ATA RAID.

Imagine running slrn on that! Posting on usenet would never be the same!

Neo
--
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
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emmel

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Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 8) Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:22 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On 2008-07-12, Neo <what RemoveThis @thematrix.is> wrote:
> emmel wrote:
>> On 2008-07-11, Neo <what RemoveThis @thematrix.is> wrote:
><snip>
>>> I would advice to take an onboard graphics card for you (nothing
>>> Intelli). And motherboard components that don't need active cooling,
>>> because those things can break down too.
>>
>> Laptop has on-board, obviously. although with external ram. Desktop
>> still has an old AGP card. And I'll have to live with that setup with
>> the time being.
>
> You have gaming laptops these days of course. Like the Dell XPS M1730
> with two GeForce 8800M cards in SLI and S-ATA RAID.
>
> Imagine running slrn on that! Posting on usenet would never be the same!

Actually, I would be pretty much the same. It's not like slrn is
especially resource hungry. The main difference would be me being broke.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

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Neo

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Since: Jul 07, 2008
Posts: 115



(Msg. 9) Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:41 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

You wanted some comments and corrections emmel and I made some on aya #1
that I printed out some time ago. I tried not to duplicate corrections
Red Dragon already made...


Red Dragon wrote:
> emmel wrote:
>> OK, Just got that ready. Commenting strongly encouraged, I need
>> opinions on this. Hopefully not to many mistakes in it, I didn't
>> really do any proof reading. Enjoy.
>
> I'm afraid opinions are hard for me to share, but I can do some
> proofreading. On a preliminary read through, it looks pretty good, save
> for a few small things.
>
> A disclaimer: Punctuation suggestions are purely that. Suggestions.
>
>>
>> *****
>>
>> With an almost inaudible hiss part of the ceiling raised and then
>> slid
>
> 'inaudible hiss, part of the ceiling'
>
>> away to the side, giving way to a patch of darkness above. A few
>> seconds later a head appeared, a long plait extending from its back
>> like a scorpion's tail. Aya grabbed the edge of the access hatch and
>> pushed her body free of it, head first, doing a half turn once her
>> feet were clean, and only then let go. She dropped into the corridor,
>>
> I assume you mean 'her feet were clear'
>
>> gently landing on both feet at once, the soles of her boots muting
>> any sound. She smirked. Flawless performance, ten out of ten points.
>> When she had nothing better to do and was in the mood she sometimes
>> watched gymnastics tournaments, but competing herself had never
>> crossed Aya's mind; far too boring it was. It did give her ideas,
>> though - for example how to get out of access shafts too narrow to
>> turn around without falling on her head. And a bit of style didn't
>> hurt either, of course. Without haste she headed down the corridor,
>> employing a gait that was reminiscent of idle strolling and a cat's
>> graceful sneaking at the same time. She turned a corner and started
>> counting the doors, finally stopping before the fifth one to the
>> left. For a moment she glanced at the sign next to it, then gently
>> pushed it. The door swung open. Tempering with the building's alarm
>> system had easier than it should have been, almost criminally easy. A
>> couple of minutes physical access and had been nothing the systems
>> wasn't ready to do for her,
>
> 'Tampering' would probably be a better word.
> 'alarm system had been easier' or similar word addition
>
> 'had been nothing the systems wasn't ready to do for her' is a little
> hard to follow. I believe 'A couple minutes of physical access and there
> was nothing the system wasn't ready to do for her' might be better.
> The 'systems wasn't' either needs to be 'system wasn't' or 'systems
> weren't'
>
> I'm sorry I can't be a bit more elegant with my reworking suggestions.
>
>> which in her case was disabling certain parts of the sensor grid,
>> shutting down a number of cameras and forgetting about it. She'd also
>> unlocked a number of doors for her convenience. To be fair, security
>> was enough to stop any dilettantes trying to break in, and only

Any dilettante, without the plural Smile

>> dilettantes would try to break into an office building in the first
>> place. Besides the furniture and odd bits of decorative art, there
>> was nothing of value to be had and even those didn't sell for much.
>> It simply didn't pay for the pros. Normally. Aya pulled the door shut
>> behind her. The office positively reeked of money, or, to be more
>> precise, of real leather and wood. Very likely air deodorant, but
>> someone had definitely made an effort here. Polished marble lookalike
>> covered walls and floor, with a huge company logo inlaid in the
>> latter, and an enormous reception counter extended over almost the
>> whole width of the room, shielding a good deal of the window front
>> from the view - obviously someone had deemed the counter more
>> impressive. Maybe it even was on some level, but Aya couldn't stand
>> faux wood. Sure, it was very high quality and to the bare eye
>> probably indistinguishable from the real thing, but Aya's night
>> vision goggles showed it clearly for what it was. The faux leather
>> armchairs lining the walls weren't any better, but at least there was
>> the chance that they were at least comfortable. Aya prodded one
>> experimentally, but even allowing for the fact that nobody ever sat
>> on it in an office like this, the seat was astonishingly hard. At
>> what these things had to have cost you'd really expect better. Oh
>> well, she wasn't here for the furniture anyway. Three doors connected
>> the reception area with the adjacent rooms. According to the building
>> plans the two to the right of the counter led to the toilet and a
>> small kitchen area; the one she wanted was on the left. It opened
>> into a room almost twice as big than the
>
> 'twice as big as the reception area'
>
>> reception area, with carpet covered floor and wood panelled walls.
>> Faux wood. The same applied to the large desk, that was only sightly
>> smaller than the reception counter. At least they had gone for
>> different chairs, albeit in the same faux leather. Aya slumped
>> herself into the one behind the desk; it hugged her body comfortably.
>> Now that was a chair. For a few moments she stared into the empty
>> office, then swivelled around. Aya shook her head. If she had a view
>> like this, she wouldn't sit with the back to it. She pulled the
>> goggles off and the world faded into an uniform blackness, that only
>> gradually turned into separated into different shades of black. A sea
>> of lights unfolded before her, like reflections on still water. Here
>> and there dark looming spires stood in the sea, only the orange
>> lights gleaming on their surface visible, like reflections of a
>> setting sun. Aya sighed. From up here even the position lights of the
>> skyscrapers had something poetic. From up here, you could almost
>> like the city. Almost. Aya looked at the time piece on her arm and
>> pushed herself out of the chair. Time to get back to work. She donned
>> her goggles and the shades of black ebbed away, to replaced by
>> colours, and every detail
>
> 'to be replaced'
>
>> of the room surfaced from the darkness. A couple of man high display
>> cases covered the wall opposite
>
> I'm not 100% positive, but you might want to hyphenate 'man high'
>
>> the window front, filled with all kinds of tasteless junk that
>> someone somewhere probably called art, and a number of awards and
>> trophies just as tasteless. Not a single piece was worth more than
>> the material it was made from and if she wasn't completely mistaken
>> even that was hardly worth anything at all.
>
> 'and, if she wasn't completely mistaken, even'
>
>> For some inexplicable reason the manufacturer had made the locks much
>> tougher than the actual cases, so Aya didn't bother with those. She
>> pulled a multitool the from the holster at her hip and set
>
> 'multitool from'
>
>> it to cutter. The grey mass at the business end of the pencil like
>> grip wobbled a bit and then a knife blade formed on it.
>> Nanotechnology at its best - expensive, but still a lot cheaper than
>> a complete tool chest. Slightly more portable as well. The blade cut
>> through the case material as if it was made of paper and in a couple
>> of seconds Aya had cut out a complete circle, still sitting at its
>> place. She made another small cut beside it and then used the blunt
>> side of the small blade to lever it outside. She slipped her hand
>> into the hole and grabbed a transparent something. It was a trophy
>> for some obscure game she'd never heard before and it looked even
>> uglier in real life than it had on the picture. Aya took down her
>> backpack and produced a small cylinder from it, some forty
>> centimetres in length and fifteen in diameter. It was mostly
>> transparent, only the caps at the ends were opaque and grey. She
>> unscrewed the top and placed the trophy inside, then screwed it back
>> on and pushed a large button on the bottom portion. A lamp next
>
> This is a light on the cylinder next to the button Aya pressed, correct?
> Unless that's a common British usage of lamp I'm unfamiliar with, you
> might want to just use 'light.' My American brain immediately jumped to
> the lamp-with-a-shade-and-on-a-table interpretation. Which was briefly
> amusing.
>
>> to it came to life, blinking furiously and the whole of the tube
>> filled with a kind of fog. In a matter of seconds the fog solidified
>> into white filaments, filling the complete tube and catching the
>> trophy within like a spider's net. The lamp switched from blinking to
>> continuous mode; object secured and ready to go. Aya stuffed the
>> tube back into her backpack and slung it over her shoulders. Now that
>> she had what she'd come for, the only thing left to do was getting
>> out unseen. She quickly crossed the office, carefully opened the
>> corridor door the tiniest of slits and listened. Others wouldn't have

She quickly crossed the office and carefully opened the corridor door to
the tiniest of slits and then listened.

>> bothered. With that many floors, the handful of security personal in
>> the building kept to the ground floors, but as far as she was
>> concerned there was no such thing as too much caution. And double
>> checking had saved her once already. No sounds were coming from
>> outside, however, and the only things she heard were her own breath
>> and heart beat. She slipped out of the door and pulled it shut behind
>> her once again. Aya tried the handle; locked. That meant the security
>> system was working her little extra routines now. By the time she was
>> out of the building only the broken display case would prove anything
>> had happened. Navigating the corridors turned out even more difficult
>> than the floor plan had suggested. The original layout of the
>> building had been three rings of offices, separated from each other
>> and the building core by three rings of corridors and an additional
>> sixteen corridors perpendicular ones connecting them like the spokes
>> of a wheel. It was a nice, effective layout, but after trying
>> desperately to meet the clients expectations, it was a genuine maze.
>> In which way that was an improvement for the clients was beyond her.
>> Maybe they didn't want to be found, or maybe there were weekly floor
>> competitions who could get navigate it fastest or something. In any
>> case studying the floor plan in detail really paid off. Just one more
>> turn and she should be... Damn. Where did that wall come from? Aya
>> closed her eyes and tried to recall the plan. If her memory didn't
>> betray her, that particular wall had not been in there, but that
>> didn't matter now. Left, right, right? Unless there were more wall
>> that weren't in the plan, of course.
>
> 'more walls that weren't in the plan'
>
>> Fortunately there weren't. She didn't really mind stumbling around in
>> mazes that much, but she was on a schedule. Not a terribly tight one,
>> that would have been asking for trouble, but she preferred not to
>> waste what extra time she had on office layouts. You never knew what
>> you might need it for later on. In the office the circular layout of
>> the building had been hardly visible, with only the slightest bend
>> hinting at it, but that close to the centre it was impossible to
>> miss. The whole of the
>
> I'm trying very hard to understand exactly what this first sentence is
> telling me. And it's a little cumbersome with all these commas. You
> might want to split it up somehow. Watch as I don't help with that. Smile
>
>> corridor was only a little more than twenty five metres in length and
>> she could overlook almost half of it. Half a circle crammed with a
>> multitude of doors. Most of them provided access to the ducting and
>> cabling for the floor, and there were a couple of storage rooms as
>> well, but Aya wasn't interested in any of these. She walked up to the
>> door labelled 'Core Access' and pulled. Even though it wasn't locked
>> due to her tinkering with the security system, it opened only
>> reluctantly. From the outside it looked just like any other door on
>> the floor, but it was a lot heavier - solid metal, blast proof. Aya
>> didn't open it all the way up; she slipped through as soon as the
>> opening was wide enough to slip through and then stared pulling it
>> shut behind her. As soon as the door had
>
> I don't think you need 'to slip through' after saying 'she slipped
> through.' In other words: 'she slipped through as soon as the opening
> was wide enough and then started' Note 'started' as well.
>
>> reached it's resting position the lock mechanism activated, the heavy
>> bolts sliding audibly into position.
>
> Helpful(not) suggestion time!
> 'resting position, the lock mechanism activated, sliding the heavy bolts
> audibly into position.'
>
> These sorts of things are purely what sounds natural to me. We've
> already been over how there's a difference between what sounds good to
> me and what sounds good to you. And you're the author.
>
>> To anyone with claustrophobia this place would have been hell, to
>> anyone with acrophobia more so. The width and height of the passage
>
> I feel like that annoying paperclip in MS Word.
>
> 'To anyone with claustrophobia, this place would have been hell. To
> anyone with acrophobia, even more so.'
>
>> way, if you could be call it that, matched those of the door, making
>> it about a half metre in width and two in height. Unlike a normal
>> passage way, however, it abruptly ended after a couple of steps. Not
>> in a wall, though - it opened into the core shaft itself. One hundred
>> and twenty floors of free fall, sublevels not included, and she
>> wasn't even that close to the top. Free fall wasn't what she had
>> planned, though. The height wasn't a problem, at least none that a
>> good rope couldn't deal with, but at five metres in diameter the
>> shaft didn't forgive any wrong move and ending as a smear on the wall
>> wasn't that enticing a prospect. Where was that stupid service
>> platform anyway? It should have been waiting for her when he came in.
>> Aya edged closer to the shaft,
>
> 'when she came in' I assume
>
>> to have a look around, carefully avoiding to get too close, however.
>> The elevator had enough power to rip her head clear off and no safe
>> guards to stop it from doing that. It had no intentions of doing
>> that, however. She could see the metal grate hanging right above the
>> current floor, exactly where she had left it on her way up, and it
>> was doing nothing. Great, and she had though the job was too easy to
>> be true. Served her right. The walls of the shaft were too smooth to
>> get any reliable hold and none of the tubes lining them were close
>> enough to reach from her position. Besides, she didn't trust them to
>> hold her weight. The framework beneath the service platform, on the
>> other hand, should do just fine. Aya took off her backpack and
>> produced a grappling hook and a belt from one of its side
>> compartments. If this didn't work out, she was in real trouble. It
>> could take weeks for anyone to notice that the platform wasn't where
>> it ought to be and come investigating. If she got really lucky,
>> whoever was responsible to investigate the break in would check on
>> the shaft, but chances where she's either have to cause some kind of
>> damage in the shaft, so people came looking for the problem, or
>> disassemble the door from the inside, and it was unlikely she managed
>> either of these before it was too late. She should really have
>> checked on the damn elevator before closing the door. Aya pulled a
>> length of cable from the belt and attached it to the hook. The hook
>> was light weight, but if she missed... There was nothing she could
>> hold onto. If, on the other hand, the cable slipped out from under
>> her fingers... Absolutely magnificent options. She fastened the belt
>> around her waist and sat down directly at the edge, pressing her back
>> against one wall and her feet against the other. Aya took a deep
>> breath, and threw the hook. It missed its target by a couple of
>> centimetres. The hook rebounded off the wall of the shaft and then
>> dropped like a stone. Aya braced herself. With an uncomfortably
>> strong jerk the hook ended it's fall, but didn't manage to pull her
>> off balance. Aya exhaled audibly. She had more luck with the second
>> try, the hook caught on one of the struts and stuck. Aya tucked at
>> the cable, but it held. She
>
> 'tugged at the cable'
>
>> stood up and positioned herself at the edge of the shaft, then
>> shortened the cable until and grabbed it with both hands. Well, there
>>
> until what?
>
>> went nothing. She drew up her legs. The moment the weight was off her
>> feet, the ground slipped away under her. Skidding over the edge like
>> that still wasn't one of her favourite sensations, but she wasn't
>> going to get a fit over it. After all this wasn't any different than
>> the rope
>
> 'After all, this wasn't any different'
>
> I'm not familiar with the phrase 'get a fit over it' I'm pretty sure I
> know what you mean, but it's worded slightly differently than how I know
> it. Admittedly, I'm not entirely familiar with British phrases, so that
> might be correct anyway.
>
>> swings she'd loved when she was little. Except for the distance to
>> the ground. And the far less solid fastening. There was absolutely no
>> reason to enjoy it. And she so wasn't trying to kid herself. Swinging
>> her body contrary to the cable, Aya quickly reduced its
>> momentum to the point where it was near still, then pushed a small
>> button on the belt. Slowly, painstakingly slowly, the micro winch
>> inside started to pull the cable in. There was nothing she could do
>> about that; the winch was meant for the cable only. Being able to
>> lift her was only an emergency feature, and quite an astonishing
>> considering its size. If she could have climbed the cable, she'd
>> already been up, but unfortunately it was too thin for that; nowhere
>> to get a grip on it, even with the gloves. Instead this was turning
>> out to become a trial of patience. Not the 'overcome and get
>> stronger' kind, the other one - the 'suffer to until death' kind.
>> Patience just wasn't her; reputedly that ran in the family. Not that
>> she couldn't spend hours on, say, a jigsaw, she was fine with that,
>> but waiting, especially when she didn't know how long, was like
>> playing harpsichord on her nerves. In the end it took a whole seven
>> minutes for her to get into range of the elevator's framework. Aya
>> set the winch to stop and grabbed the strut closest to her, then
>> started to work her way towards the centre of the grate, where a
>> hatch was. Swinging forward and backwards a couple of times she
>> gained momentum, then folded her body up and pushed though the hatch,
>> which gave way without even bothering to put up any resistance. With
>> the push of yet another button on her belt the cable detached from
>> the hook and, without having her weight to bear, quickly retracted.
>> She could have recovered the hook right away, but it was far easier
>> when the platform was in ground position, and as far as she was
>> concerned, she'd done enough acrobatics for that day. She sat down
>> cross legged in the middle of the platform and flipped the control
>> panel next to her open. She pushed a couple of button, but the lift
>> didn't budge. Instead the diagnostic display
>
> 'buttons'
>
>> sprung to live, greeting her with a jumble of status messages.
>> Terrific. She'd always wanted to debug a lift. Well, things could be
>> worse. Even if she couldn't get the thing to move, she was in a much
>> better position here, than she had
>
> I don't think the comma after 'position here' is necessary.
>
>> been before climbing up. From here, she could always get out of the
>> core shaft, and back onto the floor she had come from. She'd have to
>> break a couple of locks this time, and crawling through the cabling
>> floor twice a night wasn't exactly her idea of fun, but it sure beat
>> starving to death. Oh, wait, she'd actually die of thirst first. Aya
>> brought her train of thought to a halt and forced herself to
>> concentrate on the lift control. Most of the messages were meaningless
>> garbage, at least as far as she was concerned, but a few words caught
>> her attention. It claimed to have suffered a protocol mismatch -
>> probably when the building computer had tried to pass
>> along her orders - and now the stupid thing had gone into diagnostic
>> mode. There probably where ways to deal with that kind of thing
>> amicably,
>
> 'probably were ways'
>
>> but she wasn't in the habit of carrying the lift maintainers manual
>> around with her. Besides she didn't feel very friendly about that
>> piece of junk anyway. She produced one of her multitools from their
>> holster and set it to screwdriver, then placed the tip on the first
>> screw. It instantly hardened into the desired form. Reputedly there
>> were still
>
> 'Reputedly, there were' (very nitpicky sometimes, sorry)
>
>> people using interchangeable heads. She'd never get anything done if
>> she had to lug that kind of weight around with her. There, that was
>> the last one. Aya put it into her pocket to the others and removed
>> the panel. Yikes.
>
> Is it the last screw that she put in her pocket? This should probably be
> 'put it into her pocket with the others'
>
>> Whoever was responsible for that deserved to die - a slow, painful
>> death. She had seen hastily thrown together jury rigs better than
>> this... can of worms on a paint diet? Some were still dangling from
>> the panel she had lifted off, but most of them were sitting in a
>> despicable rubbery goo. Glue. Whatever. It was a wonder the elevator
>
> This use of 'despicable' is a little unusual. I mean, if the glue is
> indeed deserving of contempt or scorn, by all means... but a word like
> 'vile,' 'disgusting,' or similar might be more appropriate.
>
>> had ever moved at all. Too bad she couldn't really file a complaint,
>> but what should she put in the form? Issuer: A thief? Might even be
>> fun. Aya selected a pair a of wires that seemed marginally thicker
>> than the rest and searched for the place where they connected to the
>> circuit board. It turned out to be a small plug. Well, that looked
>> promising; she pulled it off. The display turned dark; so either she
>> had just cut the power, as intended, or fried the board. She plugged
>> it back in. For a moment nothing happened, but then the display came
>> to life again, telling her to wait for self diagnostics to finish.
>> Instead she screwed the panel back on. She was almost done when the
>> test were finished and a reassuring 'Ready.' appeared. A few button

I would lose the '.' mid sentence.

> 'when the test finished'
>
>> presses and the platform set obediently in motion, as if nothing had
>
> 'obediently into motion'
>
>> ever happened, and of course nothing had happened as far as it was
>> concerned. The air stream from below made Aya's eyes water as the
>> elevator picked up speed and she had to take off her goggles.
>> Instantly darkness enveloped her, but she didn't mind, simply closed
>
> 'but she didn't mind. She simply closed her eyes'
>
>> her eyes and imagined being outside, brilliant sunshine warming her
>> skin and a light breeze blowing. By the time the elevator had reached
>> the bottom of the shaft she had almost managed to trick herself in
>> believing it. The platform came to halt with a jerk. Aya donned her
>> goggles and raised to her feet; time to get out of this place. She
>> pulled the
>
> 'rose to her feet'
>
>> hatch open and let herself drop into the space beneath the platform.
>> It was rather low, and Aya had to actually get on her knees, to avoid
>> hitting her head on the elevator's framework, as she retrieved her hook.
>
> I'm not sure if the commas after 'knees' and 'framework' are really
> necessary.
>
>> A handful of steps led from the bottom of the shaft down into a small
>> tunnel, tubes and cables lining one side. Above she could hear the
>> gently hum of the transformers, supplying the whole of the building
>> with power. After several meters the tunnel ended in a heavy door.
>> Aya
>
> 'After several meters, the tunnel ended' Also, I notice you use the
> British spellings of words generally, so have 'meters' here is a little
> strange. Unless you mean she passed several little devices that mete. Smile
>
>> pushed it open and stepped out of the building, though you would not
>> have been able to tell by the looks, but the staircase she was no in
>
> I'm not really sure what you mean here with 'the staircase she was no in
> belonged to the public infrastructure.' Is she on a staircase? In a
> staircase? Something else?
>
>> belonged to the public infrastructure. With some afford she pushed

With some effort.

>> the door shut, then tapped something into keypad next to it.
>> Creaking, the
>
> 'the keypad'
>
>> heavy bars slid into locking position, and not for the first time Aya
>> wondered why they did that. No other doors she had come across did
>> creak, at least not like that, and she had come across a few really
>> heavy ones. Anyway, from here it was a piece of cake. Just an
>> unreasonably large amount of stairs from the depths of the building's
>> foundations to the infrastructure tunnels near the surface and a
>> little stroll through said tunnels. Most people would probably have
>> collapsed halfway up the stairs, no matter what kind of
>> 'improvements' they had applied to their bodies; with all the lifts
>> around, few ever felt the need to walk more than a handful of stairs
>> at a time. Aya, however, was used to rely on her feet for moving
>> around - and sometimes knees,
>
> 'relying'
>
>> arms and hands. Even hurrying to make up for the time she had lost to
>> the elevator, she reached the top only somewhat out of breath. She
>> passed another door and then made her way into maze of
>
> 'the maze'
>
>> tunnels beyond. Their network spread under the whole of the city,
>> making it at least in theory possible to get anywhere within, without
>>
> 'making it, at least in theory, possible' And the word 'within' is
> probably extraneous. At the very least, it breaks up the flow being
> right next to 'without'
>
>> being noticed by the surface world. Theory failed rather quickly when
>> you actually tried to do it. For one thing, all doors in and out of
>> the tunnels were secured by locks, that were not really hard to
>> bypass, but extremely hard to bypass without tripping the alarm.
>> Then, of course, there was the law enforcement. It was impossible,
>> and impractical, to control all the tunnels, but they did secure all
>> the major hubs of the system - with cameras, sensors, you name it. Of
>> course it did help, that through some strange quirk she had ended up
>> on the mailing list for the security digest. Getting all the new
>> codes directly from the source was definitely worth the afford she had

Again 'effort'

>> put into making exactly this quirk happen. By now Aya had reached
>> a door let into the side of the tunnel.
>
> Would this be 'Aya had reached a door that let into the side' or
> something else? Such a door that was set into the side of the tunnel.
>
>> It looked a bit as if belonged into a ship rather than here, with its
>> rounded edges and the lower border that ended several centimetres
>> above the floor. That resemblance wasn't exactly coincidental, the
>> door did lead the storm sewer.
>
> 'did lead to the storm sewer.'
>
>> Before she tapped the code into the panel next to it, however, she
>> needed a change of clothes. She put down her backpack and produced a
>> pair of baggy pants and a sweater from it, pulling them over what she
>> liked to refer to as her 'business outfit'. For one thing, someone
>> might make the connection between a woman in skin tight black apparel
>> and a break-in in the neighbourhood, but mostly because she'd die of
>> embarrassment. The skin tight quality was very literal, and while it
>> allowed an unprecedented freedom of movement, it also showed a great
>> deal more than it concealed. Some girls wore that kind of thing to
>> the clubs for exactly that reason, but there were usually of the kind
>> whose reputation
>
> 'but they were'
>
>> couldn't suffer for that kind of thing anymore, to formulate it
>> diplomatically. Or how her father would put it: Slags. If her ever
>> found out she even possessed something like that... He didn't
>> approve.
>
> 'if her father ever found out'
> Also, 'he wouldn't approve' is more consistent with the sentence.
> However, this orphans the next sentence 'And neither did she' which
> might be changed to 'She certainly didn't' or similar.
>
>> And neither did she. Aya tapped the code into the panel, then stepped
>> through the door and into a different world. Where the tunnels had
>> been dry and clean, the air smelling of dust, the sewer was wet and
>> thick with dirt. Water was everywhere: Flowing down the canal in the
>> middle as a muddy stream, oozing from the walls, in the air. Algae
>> grew
>
> You might want to tighten up 'Flowing down the canal in the middle as a
> muddy stream.' I lose track of it being part of a list. Possibly just
> saying 'Flowing down the canal' and also maybe changing 'thick with
> dirt' to 'thick with mud' if you need the mud reference.
>
>> everywhere, covering the ground with slippery mucus, forcing her to
>> watch her step. Nevertheless Aya welcomed the change. At least the
>
> 'Nevertheless, Aya welcomed the change.'
>
>> place was alive, unlike the rest of the city; there was nothing
>> artificial about it. And since it only collected rain water it didn't
>> smell bad, not even of rats. And there were plenty. Rats, the
>> universal constant of life. They were anywhere. On every planet,
>> every station, every ship, adapting to the most adverse environments
>> and thriving in places that otherwise incapable of
>
> 'that are otherwise'
>
>> supporting higher life. Not before the advent of genetical analysis
>> anyone had noticed that they weren't even native organisms, that good
>> they blended it. Even today, nobody knew where they came from
>
> Ok, this sentence needs a few things...
> 'Not before the advent of genetic analysis had anyone noticed that they
> weren't even native organisms, the rats blended in so well.'
>
>> originally, only a few rumours that they originated from some
>> backwater planet, not even capable of space flight. Even mentioning
>> them could sent scientists over the edge. Aya didn't really mind, as
>
> 'could send scientists'
>
>> long as they didn't start crawling around on her. Actually, they
>> looked kinda cute. Finally she reached a ladder. She pulled the hood
>> of her
>
> 'Finally, she reached a ladder'
>
>> sweater deep into her face, but kept her goggles on. They looked
>
> Hmm, 'far over her face' possibly. Again, unless you mean something else.
>
>> perfectly like sunglasses, so nobody would give them a second though.
>> She didn't get why anyone would want to wear sunglasses at night in
>> the first place, but if fashion allowed her to use night vision in
>> public, who was she to complain.
>
> This might need a question mark after 'complain'
>
>> The manhole led into a back alley. In the actual streets there were
>> only drainage grates in the curbs, all the actual manholes had been
>> placed out of the way for practical and security reasons, which served
>> Aya well. After all climbing out of the sewer in the middle of
>>
> 'After all, climbing out'
>
>> the road might have been just a tad suspicious. She nonchalantly
>> pushed the cover back onto the hole with her foot and then walked
>> off, as if climbing out of sewers was the most natural thing in the
>> world. There wasn't even much acting involved, after all she did this
>> all the time.
>
> 'There wasn't even much acting involved. After all, she did this all the
> time.'
>
>> A couple of minutes later she was in the open road, diving into the
>> streams of people that even at this time ran through the city. On of
>> many, impossible to point out.
>
> I assume you mean 'One of many'. If you wanted to be more specific, it
> might read 'Now she was one of many, impossible to point out.' This is,
> of course, how I interpreted the last sentence after a little bit of
> thought.
>
>
> Right, so maybe I had a few more nitpicks than I initially thought. But
> as I said, looks good. Sorry it took several days to get this written
> up. Proofreading mode takes a lot longer for me and you can probably see
> why Thomas got to these before me. Also, I'm a little self-conscious
> about writing. My grammar and spelling capabilities are head and
> shoulders above most Americans, but I'm no English major.

Neo
--
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
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emmel

External


Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 10) Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 10:37 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On 2008-07-15, Neo <what DeleteThis @thematrix.is> wrote:
> You wanted some comments and corrections emmel and I made some on aya #1
> that I printed out some time ago. I tried not to duplicate corrections
> Red Dragon already made...

::nods eagerly::

>>> which in her case was disabling certain parts of the sensor grid,
>>> shutting down a number of cameras and forgetting about it. She'd also
>>> unlocked a number of doors for her convenience. To be fair, security
>>> was enough to stop any dilettantes trying to break in, and only
>
> Any dilettante, without the plural Smile

Of course.

>>> tube back into her backpack and slung it over her shoulders. Now that
>>> she had what she'd come for, the only thing left to do was getting
>>> out unseen. She quickly crossed the office, carefully opened the
>>> corridor door the tiniest of slits and listened. Others wouldn't have
>
> She quickly crossed the office and carefully opened the corridor door to
> the tiniest of slits and then listened.

Sorry, but that double 'and' sounds just aweful. I think the sentence is
better the way it is.

>>> Instead she screwed the panel back on. She was almost done when the
>>> test were finished and a reassuring 'Ready.' appeared. A few button
>
> I would lose the '.' mid sentence.

No, that's not an option. You see, the 'Read.' is reminiscent of the
Commodore 64/128. Dropping the period would be betrayal.

>>> belonged to the public infrastructure. With some afford she pushed
>
> With some effort.

Oh, tell me I didn't do that. I should jump off a bridge or something.

>>> on the mailing list for the security digest. Getting all the new
>>> codes directly from the source was definitely worth the afford she had
>
> Again 'effort'

Ditto.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

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emmel

External


Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 11) Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:32 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On different notes: Do you see the post for aya#2 or got that eaten by
some usenet server. Google groups doesn't seem to know about it, and
there are newer posts it *does* see...
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

Hi, I'm a .sig virus. Just copy me to your .signature. And don't worry.
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Neo

External


Since: Jul 07, 2008
Posts: 115



(Msg. 12) Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:49 pm
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

emmel wrote:
> On different notes: Do you see the post for aya#2 or got that eaten by
> some usenet server. Google groups doesn't seem to know about it, and
> there are newer posts it *does* see...

Shows up as
news.xs4all.nl!newsspool.news.xs4all.nl!transit1.news.xs4all.nl!newsfeed.xs4all.nl!newsfeed3.news.xs4all.nl!xs4all!feeder.erje.net!news-fra1.dfn.de!news-nue1.dfn.de!newsserv.uni-bayreuth.de!not-for-mail

and
Message-ID:
<slrng7ouls.dbf.the_emmel*whatever*@btcipinf24.cip.uni-bayreuth.de>

Maybe you had better repost if you want google to have a complete
history of your stories. In case wordpress gets bought by Microsoft or
something.
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Red Dragon

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Since: Jul 31, 2006
Posts: 107



(Msg. 13) Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:39 pm
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

emmel wrote:
> On different notes: Do you see the post for aya#2 or got that eaten by
> some usenet server. Google groups doesn't seem to know about it, and
> there are newer posts it *does* see...

Showed up just fine for me. I'll be getting to comments as I can when
school is not in Finals Week and I've been resurrected from the dead.
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emmel

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Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 14) Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:22 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On 2008-07-16, Neo <what.DeleteThis@thematrix.is> wrote:
> emmel wrote:
>> On different notes: Do you see the post for aya#2 or got that eaten by
>> some usenet server. Google groups doesn't seem to know about it, and
>> there are newer posts it *does* see...
>
> Shows up as
> news.xs4all.nl!newsspool.news.xs4all.nl!transit1.news.xs4all.nl!newsfeed.xs4all.nl!newsfeed3.news.xs4all.nl!xs4all!feeder.erje.net!news-fra1.dfn.de!news-nue1.dfn.de!newsserv.uni-bayreuth.de!not-for-mail
>
> and
> Message-ID:
><slrng7ouls.dbf.the_emmel*whatever*@btcipinf24.cip.uni-bayreuth.de>
>
> Maybe you had better repost if you want google to have a complete
> history of your stories. In case wordpress gets bought by Microsoft or
> something.

Unlikely. Besides, It's not like I need a complete history. I have the
document master.
It still annoys me, though.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

Hi, I'm a .sig virus. Just copy me to your .signature. And don't worry.
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emmel

External


Since: Dec 18, 2003
Posts: 1211



(Msg. 15) Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:24 am
Post subject: Re: [story] aya (working title) #1 [Login to view extended thread Info.]
Archived from groups: per prev. post (more info?)

On 2008-07-17, Red Dragon <agclurker DeleteThis @lurkerson.net> wrote:
> emmel wrote:
>> On different notes: Do you see the post for aya#2 or got that eaten by
>> some usenet server. Google groups doesn't seem to know about it, and
>> there are newer posts it *does* see...
>
> Showed up just fine for me. I'll be getting to comments as I can when
> school is not in Finals Week and I've been resurrected from the dead.

OK, I'll maybe extend it a bit until then. I'm only a couple of lines
short of what #2 was originally meant to cover.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

story backlogs available at http://ranira.wordpress.com

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile
Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Proud owner of 1 (one) DISOBEDIENCE point.
Former owner of 1 (one) eating point (eaten, sigh).

Hi, I'm a .sig virus. Just copy me to your .signature. And don't worry.
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